for what it's worth

Some days are just harder than others. It's a fact and the sooner you accept it the better you can deal with it. Still, it sucks to struggle. I'm struggling right now. Trying to find my new normal has many ups but sometimes, the downs seem so strong they might take me over. I've posted before about being frustrated because I can't get my energy and stamina back quick enough. Today, I'm really having a hard time. I feel like I've run a marathon and all I've done is house work. The laundry is about to kill me. I hear it conspiring against me as it groups together in like colors. The towels are especially cruel with all their lint and bulkiness. The socks, don't get me started here, I know they are playing hide and seek, never wanting to be matched in pairs easily... Ok, I sound like I need a padded room now. As usual, I found solace in the Word. (I wish I would remember to do this EVERY SINGLE DAY.) I opened my Bible, almost daring God to speak t...

I think I've been holding my breath since August. It was early August when I was hospitalized for the 1st time because Remicade had stopped working and the Ulcerative Colitis symptoms began to spiral out of control. This marked the beginning of the ileostomy discussions (which took place in Sept.) and I think I've been waiting to exhale for 6 months. Last night, my colostomy bag exploded around 4am. It was like a bomb had gone off! There was crap everywhere! LITERALLY. So, I got up, cleaned my self up, replaced the bag, changed my clothes and moved to the couch. I was too tired to deal with the bed. After every one was gone for the day, I began cleaning up the bedding. It dawned on me as put the sheets in the washer and stain treated the mattress, that I was not fretting over this like I have in the past. Before, I would have been near tears but now, I am doing this with out much thought. I'm finally breathing again. Could I be getting used to my new normal? Part of...

I'm sitting fireside on the back patio. It's the first pretty day we've had in a while and I'm enjoying it's end. Today was a frustrating day. I woke up tired and with a headache. I tried to get my house under control but it took control of me instead. After 30 minutes of activity I have to rest because I'm so weak still. My arms and legs get shaky and I'm out of breath. So, I work then rest for 30 minutes then back to work again... so stinkin' frustrating!  I hate it, absolutely hate it.  Yesterday marked 2 months from my last surgery. I forget, I haven't even been home 2 months yet.  There are so many things I want to do. I feel like I've been given a second chance at life. If only I could get my stamina and energy back! I'm sitting here watching my brilliant dog try to lick the hot chiminea. I bet he only does it once. I can't help but wonder if God ever looks at us that way. He must think, I gave you a brain for a ...

That's right! Today is my 39th birthday and I've never been happier about such a significant number! After the last few months, celebrating a birthday feels like a privilege. Birthdays have never bothered me anyway, it's always been just a number to me until the last few years then, birthdays started to feel like a timer on the count down. My body felt old because of the Ulcerative Colitis and all it's symptoms. I also had the nagging question of "When will this stupid disease turn into cancer?" I forget what the odds are but it's something ridiculous like 80%. Ha! I get the last laugh here! Turning 39 and starting it HEALTHY!!! Or maybe I should say thirty-fine, as my friend SuZanne says... Today is also my parents 43rd anniversary! Happy, Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad! Is that not an incredible fete these days?! It's almost unheard of with the divorce rate at 50%. They have always been a great example for my sister and me. I think they are some o...