for what it's worth

I'm back in my fighting stance! I think anyway... I'm learning how to stand on my own after 24 years of marriage. When a long term relationship ends it really messes with your head. You wonder: What's wrong with me?  Why is this happening?  What happened to happily ever after?  You feel: Brokenhearted Hopeless Confused Angry You want to: Crawl up in a ball under the covers in the safety of your bed. Lash out. Sit and watch mind numbing TV. But because you are an adult you have to function in the real world and find a new path. So here I am, adulting on my own. While married, my future seemed secure and mapped out. Finances, retirement, daily routine... As a single person, things are different. My divorce left me financially stable thankfully and this post is not bashing him in any way, I'm just trying to figure out what my new future will look like. I want to be able to add to my finances but with a chronic illness and it's unpredictabili...

H is for Hope. It's been a terribly long road for us. All this mess started back in early November with no clear answer as to what was happening to me, my body until late January when Crohn's was finally diagnosed. To say that news was devastating would be a gross understatement. I had worked so hard over the last 3 years to become healthy post ostomy surgery, post Ulcerative Colitis, post near death. I was enjoying an active lifestyle until one day I wasn't. Pain slowly crept in to my daily life threatening to rob me of all joy. Crohn's has managed to single handedly mangle my hope. I am fighting everyday for some sort of normalcy. I long to eat, drink and be merry with everyone. I am trying. I am fighting. I am hoping that each day brings me closer to health and happiness. I am hoping that life with Crohn's will eventually just become life again, that Crohn's will no longer try to upstage me. My hope is to turn this negative into a posit...

I've been trying for weeks with out success to write this post on the letter G. I've tried G is for Grace, Gratitude, Guts, Giving, Goodness... The list of constructive G-words is endless and yet none would take shape enough to qualify as a post. I am frustrated with my current situation.  I wake up every morning with intense pain which worsens when I let my bladder go for the first time after several hours of sleep. Doc says it's probably scarring from disease and surgery. Awesome. I so want to be positive, to do the whole mind over matter thing but the matter is overriding the mind. It's hard to focus on the good when the bad threatens to squash it, kill and sweep it away like a pile of dust. This weekend was the perfect example of how this damn disease (Crohn's) rules my life. We had  three couples join us at our ranch for some good old fashioned outdoor fun. We had ATVs everywhere you looked and one of the weekend's best adventures was riding them all ...

D is for Determined Determined: Having made a firm decision and being resolved not to change it; processing or displaying resolve. *Resolute * PURPOSEFUL * Purposive * Single-minded * Unswerving * Unwavering*  *Undaunted * Intent * Insistent * Steadfast * Staunch * Stalwart * PERSEVERING * Persistent* *Indefatigable * Tenacious * Strong-willed * UNSHAKABLE * Strong-minded * Steely* *Dedicated * Committed*  Determination is a quality I've had to develop over years of living with chronic illness. It's possibly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Well maybe it's in 2nd place to parenting... Determination doesn't come naturally to me. There have been so many days where giving up looked really good and so much easier. I mean REALLY good and SO MUCH easier. So good that I made an exit strategy on a particularly bad pain day. So easy that it's options are quite limitless. I wrote it down with great detail in my journal an...

 I don't feel brave. Not at all. People are always telling me how brave I am in dealing with all this IBD/Crohn's crap. It's not that I'm brave, I just don't have a choice. I am alive and until God decides differently I will push through this misery to be the best I can, to make the most of each day. By definition, I guess you could use the term brave loosely. I know I face pain and "unpleasant conditions" everyday and this is most likely the outlook for every single day in the near future but I don't feel brave  when I get up in the morning. I feel tired. I feel heavy. I feel determined but not brave. Determined to make it through today. Determined to keep my mind in check. Determined to move forward but not brave. Mostly I feel afraid. Afraid I won't be able to control the pain. Afraid the meds won't work to control the disease. I feel afraid because there is no cure for Crohn's and so I won't look too far ahead for fe...

My cousin emailed me a couple of weeks ago challenging me to participate in April's  A to Z Blog Challenge . I like it but I'm not always regular with my blogging. I blog for fun and stress relief so putting a deadline or strict timeline parameters on me takes the fun and most importantly, the therapeutic release away from it. I will lose interest super fast and begin to stress over it which totally defeats the purpose of why I blog.  I decided to follow the guidelines on my own time instead and even though it's March 25th,  I'm doing my 1st post in my own A-Z Challenge. A is for Acceptance January 29, 2015: official Crohn's disease diagnosis. Week 8 as a Crohnie: Anger slowly being replaced with acceptance. I know I really don't have a choice in the matter of accepting the fact that I have Crohn's and staying angry will be very destructive in the long run. Yes, it's natural to be upset, it's part of the grieving process after all. The p...

Hello Prednisone. I wish I could say I was happy to see you again. I really thought you were gone from my life for good. December 18, 2014 is the date of my twisted bowel surgery. January 30, 2015 is the release date of my last (of 4) hospital stays. March 10, 2015 is the date I went to see my GI because I needed a 3rd refill of Hydrocodone 10-325. I am still having a lot of pain and I guess not all of it is surgery related, it's Crohn's related. I am averaging 2-4 pills a day plus 1-3 doses of Bentyl, an antispasmodic for the digestive system.  I was taking Entocort, a steroid designed specifically for the gut that doesn't have the typical steroid side effects like moon face, roid rage and weight gain but it just wasn't up to the task of my stubborn gut I guess. Doc decided I need a low dosage of Prednisone for a month or so and prescribed 10mg daily. As he examined me, he listed all the benefits of prednisone for a few weeks: quicker healing, pain management, gettin...

Oops, looks like I've forgotten to blog for a while... Well, have no fear, I'm about to blog my pants off! I just got back from a trip to Detroit, Michigan where I had the privilege of hanging out with some pretty gutsy girls, literally. This was a retreat for GirlsWithGuts.org, a non profit advocacy group created to unite people of all walks of life who share a common thread: Inflammatory Bowel Disease. Many of us suffer from Chron's, Ulcerative Colitis and other digestive disorders and diseases. Many of us live with Colostomies, Ileostomies, Urostomies, and J-Pouches because of chronic illness. We have spouses, significant others, children, parents, family and friends who walk with us daily on this journey. We are employers and employees, business owners, athletes, community leaders and members, parents, grandparents, and friends. We are people like you who just happen to live with chronic illness too and we are part of a group focused on bringing awareness to IBD ...

Yesterday I went back to the doc to see about changing my depression medicine. Every winter I struggle, the worst months are December through March due to the really cold ugly days we tend to have. I don't function well when I'm stuck inside, I NEED to be in the sun soaking up it's mighty rays. (Not good for a pasty white girl but oh well) I must be part cat... So, back to the doctor visit. The reason I went is because I've started withdrawing--just ask my hubby, poor guy, and you could probably ask my friends too. I received a text from a close friend last week asking if I was OK because she hadn't heard from me in a while. I've also been dealing with severe migraines due to the crazy weather and wind we've been experiencing. I've had a hard time getting out of bed too. No motivation to do anything, every task feels like I'm climbing Mount Everest. Sometimes I feel all alone but I know this is not true. I am surrounded by my family and friend...

Um, yeah... This is how I feel sometimes. Taking the high road is HARD but I never regret it. When I do act out in anger or frustration, I regret it every darn time. Am I the only one who feels like this? Like punching and slashing? (You're lying if you tell yourself you never feel this way.) Here's my experience in NOT taking the high road: I had to double back on my miles, apologize and do major friend maintenance. If I had only taken the high road, I would have eventually seen that the person who lashed out at me was actually not angry with me but having some major issues in her own life. Instead, I allowed my own hurt feelings to dictate my actions causing even more damage in the long run. It makes my stomach hurt every time I think about what I said. Thankfully, we are still friends but it will never be the same. I regret that. Well, I'm headed out to run for the 1st time in 2 weeks after battling a sinus infection. I'm so ready but a little nervous, I kn...

YAY!!! That's right, I'm celebrating because it's Thursday evening and that means I am one day closer to the finish line of the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K on Saturday morning. Which really means--I can have my usual weekend wine treat again! I've been "training" for this little 3 mile jaunt like it's a freaking Ironman. It's the only way that I could wrap my mind around it. I have to be serious about the training or I'll not be happy with myself come race day when I'm dragging along the curb and shooing the paramedics away. Plus, I really, really want to be in shape. In this day of instant gratification, it's easy to forget that it takes time to meet goals. And in order to keep the goal in sight, dedication through thick and thin is a must. When I was finally released from "taking it easy" in March from my December surgery, I made a goal to be the healthiest I could be by the time I turned 40. Well, 40 is right arou...

This girl has a list a mile long of goals to accomplish. Some are silly, some are a little weird and a few are very lofty, but they are still list worthy. I haven't made a list of goals in a very long, long time. At least not seriously. Making a list seemed pointless and often ended in disappointment when I couldn't get out of bed for days on end. A list was like an anvil hanging over my head, waiting to catch me unaware. I have yet to put this lengthy list on paper. Seeing it only in my mind right now is enough. Somehow, having it written in black and white, tangible to others is a bit intimidating. For now, it is enough to tick through it in my mind's eye. I think I'm worried that I will jinx this new found disease-free life I am leading. It seems too good to be true. Too many years spent in agonizing pain has left it's mark on my psyche. I am constantly reminding myself that sore muscles from exercise is NOT the same as disease inflicted pain. Some days are...

This is me. The new me. The me with the ileostomy. Several people have asked what it looks like and so, here it is. Please note that I do not wear bikinis and have not in many, many years. I apologize for the blinding glare of my white, white skin. Surprisingly, I was very hesitant to post this. After all, no one wants to see all their "glory" on display (especially on the www!) but, I feel like it's important. It's important for others to know they are not alone.  I have been so encouraged by others who have posted their photos that I knew I needed to do the same. It's really quite liberating now that I see it.  Yes, I am imperfect. I have some extra padding that came with fighting disease for 7+ years. Lots of scars from various surgeries. A few wrinkles and gray hairs in the mix too. I am not as young and pretty as I once was. I am, however, ALIVE! And ALIVE trumps all the other stuff. So, this is me, in the flesh. You know what? I am feeling mo...

It can be so easy to get caught up in the negative of life's events. It is a daily choice to look for the positive; to turn the bad into the good. No one ever said it would be simple or uncomplicated. In fact, most things that are worth having or doing are seldom effortless! And, rarely quick! 

Having any kind of chronic illness takes perseverance. Perseverance to keep getting out of bed every morning and push through the darkness of unending pain. A strong desire to not let sickness claim one's very being. Sometimes it's hard to see past the constant reminders of not being whole. Even after ridding my body of Ulcerative Colitis via an ileostomy, I still struggle to remember that illness isn't lurking behind every corner. Years of dealing with horrible pain and handfuls of daily pills took a toll on my psyche. I catch myself hesitating to plan too far ahead for fear of not being able to keep the commitment. My first thought of the future is often prefaced by "what if I don't feel good..." How do I break this because it seem so ingrained in me after so many disappointments through the years?  It all comes down to perseverance. I must forge ahead and remind myself on a daily basis that I can do this! I have to get out of my own head and not ...

The dictionary defines insecurity  as lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt, hesitancy, indecision and uncertainty. Yes, this describes how I feel right now. I HATE IT! I guess I'm still trying to figure out my new normal. I dealt with feeling sick for over 8 years and now that I'm 7 months post surgery; I can't seem to figure out what to do with myself. In the past, I did what I had to do to keep my head above water; just pressed through illness and fatigue. I've got to find some kind of routine again and get back to really enjoying life. We've been on various vacations through out the summer and it's been so lovely! A true escape from reality. However, vacation is over and it's time to get back to the nitty gritty. This is what is hanging over me. Finding the new routine. Routine is HARD for me as I am easily distracted and not very self-disciplined. I wish I could blame ADD or ADHD or some other string of letters but I can't. It all...