for what it's worth

I've been trying for weeks with out success to write this post on the letter G. I've tried G is for Grace, Gratitude, Guts, Giving, Goodness... The list of constructive G-words is endless and yet none would take shape enough to qualify as a post. I am frustrated with my current situation.  I wake up every morning with intense pain which worsens when I let my bladder go for the first time after several hours of sleep. Doc says it's probably scarring from disease and surgery. Awesome. I so want to be positive, to do the whole mind over matter thing but the matter is overriding the mind. It's hard to focus on the good when the bad threatens to squash it, kill and sweep it away like a pile of dust. This weekend was the perfect example of how this damn disease (Crohn's) rules my life. We had  three couples join us at our ranch for some good old fashioned outdoor fun. We had ATVs everywhere you looked and one of the weekend's best adventures was riding them all ...

My cousin emailed me a couple of weeks ago challenging me to participate in April's  A to Z Blog Challenge . I like it but I'm not always regular with my blogging. I blog for fun and stress relief so putting a deadline or strict timeline parameters on me takes the fun and most importantly, the therapeutic release away from it. I will lose interest super fast and begin to stress over it which totally defeats the purpose of why I blog.  I decided to follow the guidelines on my own time instead and even though it's March 25th,  I'm doing my 1st post in my own A-Z Challenge. A is for Acceptance January 29, 2015: official Crohn's disease diagnosis. Week 8 as a Crohnie: Anger slowly being replaced with acceptance. I know I really don't have a choice in the matter of accepting the fact that I have Crohn's and staying angry will be very destructive in the long run. Yes, it's natural to be upset, it's part of the grieving process after all. The p...

I'm still mad. Crohn's still sucks. I'm still in pain. My attitude rivals that of a newly awakened hibernating bear. All teeth and claws. Is it bad that all I want to do is curl up with my Bubba dog and pretend the world doesn't exist? That's where I'm at right now. The stupid weather can't make up it's mind. One day it's a gorgeous 73 degrees and the next it's arctic living at it's worst. I wore flip flops yesterday and today, Uggs because there is snow blowing sideways. I've stopped watching the weather because it does nothing but piss me off. If I follow the forecasts then I start to anticipate the pain I will be in which makes me feel like a total hypochondriac. My body is enough of a radar on it's own. I can feel a change coming as early as 2 days before it arrives. Every joint in me is screaming, "MOVE TO A TROPICAL CLIMATE!" I was telling some friends yesterday just how badly my attitude stinks. I want t...

With autoimmune diseases the immune system is crap. Crohn's is an autoimmune disease therefore my immune system is worthless. I try to take every precaution possible to keep from getting sick. I'm the girl wearing the mask in the doctor's office, not because I'm coughing or sick but because everyone else is! My body does not fight off yucky germs very well. It fights it's self like a pro but bad germs are welcomed with open arms. The day before my big Humira starter dose, my son came home from school with a nasty throat and ear infection. Being a mother, I couldn't keep from feeling his forehead, touching dishes that he used and just being around him. He was coughing and sneezing and I could see all those little infection cooties floating through the air and then charging me when I came into their view. Sure enough, by the end of the day my throat was scratchy and I was coughing and sneezing. My eyes were itchy and I could feel the snot accumulating. I was o...

I came across this profound quote today as I was mindlessly skimming  Pinterest  and it took my breath away. That's me! I actually said this out loud to the dogs curled peacefully at my feet. Yesterday was Humira Starter Dose Day. I administered 4 shots via a push button pen into the fleshy part of my legs. The starter dose is 4 injections which burned like mad. The process was as simple as promised but the burning sensation of the medicine was a bit surprising. I had heard it burns a little but dang, after 4 shots that "little" burn was quite big. Once I get past the series of 2 shots I will go to 1 every 2 weeks. I can handle the burn of 1 injection every 2 weeks if it's working! I'm hoping and praying this is a miracle worker for me. I'm ready to feel good again. This week marks 6 weeks from my surgery. My new stoma (Lilly II) is doing her job very well. She is actually prettier than her predecessor, sorry Lilly I. Lilly stands for lil' illy or li...

I'm not having a very good day. Despite sleeping well I woke up tired. Damn autoimmune crap. ---See that's not a good sign, cuss words before 10am... Well, I better get my act together because I'm hosting Bible study in less than 2 hours. Addiction paraphernalia: Bday gift from Thomas, a chalkboard mug :) Today's plan: wait around house for starter dose of Humira to be delivered. I'm feeling very anxious about this new medicine, of course it could be the cup(s) of coffee I am consuming. Some people turn to alcohol, I turn to coffee. I'm nervous that Humira won't work. I'm hoping and praying like mad that it's the miracle drug my doc say it is. I'm scared of never getting out of this flare. I haven't flared in over 3 years now and I forgot how awful it is. How it affects the entire body. This morning I ran my hand through my hair when I got up and ended up with a handful of loose hair. Great, that's just wonderful. I'm going...