for what it's worth

I have been too busy during the day to blog and too tired when I finally sit down in the evening. I woke up at 5:30 today feeling well rested so, after throwing some chicken in the crock pot and having my (much loved) first cup of coffee I thought I'd type a little. I really miss blogging on the days that are too crazy to whip out a few sentences. It helps keep me grounded and my mind moving forward. I have stacks of diaries and journals dating back to 1981 when I was given my first diary by my grandmother. I miss her. She was a remarkable woman and very beautiful both inside and out. She passed away, not long ago, after suffering from several years of Alzheimer's. I HATE this disease. It has wound it's way through this side of my family for many generations, probably more than we even know. Her mother suffered from it as well as each of her siblings. It is so very hard to watch this ugly disease take someone you love dearly and turn them into a complete stranger. That...

Saw my GI doc on Thursday. Great visit. He got a kick out of the pouch I wore for him. This one is named "Superostomy!" He calmed many of my fears and answered lots of questions that had been rattling around in my head. He decided to take me off Cymbalta, the antidepressant I'd been on since before the ileostomy. I've been feeling mushy brained for several months and he believes Cymbalta is too strong now. This is a huge turn around, usually, we were upping the antidepressants because they weren't strong enough. So now, he has prescribed Gabapentin. It's supposed to help with nerve pain which I still struggle with. I think I have nerve damage fro the UC. Two days on it now and I am already thinking clearer and pain seems to be somewhat controllable too. The hubs says he notices a big difference already too. AND, I am sleeping through the night. I have not slept through the night since surgery; actually, long before that too. Before surgery, I was up a...

One more day, one more day, one more day... This is my chant as I attack today. This week has been very busy but good. Today holds several events that will make Friday a great day, a day to end this long week. Today is my first 20 minute nonstop run outside. That means jogging the whole 20 minutes. Yes, you probably do not need this explained; I, however, am still trying to psyche myself up for it. I know I could do it on the treadmill with no problem but, I really need to run it outside. I'm "in training" for some running events over the next few months. The first is a 5K, Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on September 29th. I want to run the whole thing...we shall see. Then, there is another 5K in November and finally, a 1/2 marathon in December. 13.1 miles on December 9th in Dallas. I'm scared and excited. I don't care about times, I just want to complete the runs. (Notice I said run and not race--more mental tricks to keep myself committed.) I just want t...

Elijah  (<--click here) This is a little boy with an ileostomy because of Ulcerative Colitis. He makes me feel so many, many different emotions. I cried watching this. I am not a crier. I am overcome at how "matter of fact" he is about his ostomy. I am mad at a disease for taking a part of his body from him. I am sad that Elijah's early years have been full of pain and disease. I am happy because he is obviously surrounded by people who love and support him. I am thankful for his mom who allowed him to do this. I am anxious about how other kids will treat him because of his ostomy. I am excited for him to live a healthy UC-free life. I am encouraged by his bravery. I am inspired by his openness. I am beyond any more words to describe how my heart feels about this 1 minute 50 second video.

This girl has a list a mile long of goals to accomplish. Some are silly, some are a little weird and a few are very lofty, but they are still list worthy. I haven't made a list of goals in a very long, long time. At least not seriously. Making a list seemed pointless and often ended in disappointment when I couldn't get out of bed for days on end. A list was like an anvil hanging over my head, waiting to catch me unaware. I have yet to put this lengthy list on paper. Seeing it only in my mind right now is enough. Somehow, having it written in black and white, tangible to others is a bit intimidating. For now, it is enough to tick through it in my mind's eye. I think I'm worried that I will jinx this new found disease-free life I am leading. It seems too good to be true. Too many years spent in agonizing pain has left it's mark on my psyche. I am constantly reminding myself that sore muscles from exercise is NOT the same as disease inflicted pain. Some days are...

Two step forwards, one step back. This seems to be the theme of  my running this week. Yesterday, I couldn't have run if I'd even wanted to, and I didn't want to. I didn't even want to see my running shoes. Every part of my body hurt, ached like the flu. I had no choice but to sit yesterday out and rest. I was so lazy and it was wonderful. This morning however, was tough. The run started really good. I had a good pace and made it through the first 6 minutes with out any problems. I walked for 1 minute then back to running. This did not go as smoothly. I was running my usual stride but then started struggling around minute 3. My breath was coming hard and my speed was slowing down. I just went with it, determined not to stop running and kept moving even at a slower rate. Finally, the ding for the 1 minute walk sounded. Gasping for air, I kept moving forward. *DING* Time to run again for another 6 minutes. I didn't make the whole 6 this time. I ran as long as I coul...

This is me. The new me. The me with the ileostomy. Several people have asked what it looks like and so, here it is. Please note that I do not wear bikinis and have not in many, many years. I apologize for the blinding glare of my white, white skin. Surprisingly, I was very hesitant to post this. After all, no one wants to see all their "glory" on display (especially on the www!) but, I feel like it's important. It's important for others to know they are not alone.  I have been so encouraged by others who have posted their photos that I knew I needed to do the same. It's really quite liberating now that I see it.  Yes, I am imperfect. I have some extra padding that came with fighting disease for 7+ years. Lots of scars from various surgeries. A few wrinkles and gray hairs in the mix too. I am not as young and pretty as I once was. I am, however, ALIVE! And ALIVE trumps all the other stuff. So, this is me, in the flesh. You know what? I am feeling mo...