for what it's worth

It's early Sunday morning and the house is quiet with sleeping boys. I love this time though I rarely see it, not being a  morning person and all. The peacefulness of a new day is comforting. Yesterday we packed and moved all sorts of stuff to our warehouse for storage. The walls are bare and shelves are empty. Our home is slowly transforming into just a house as we prepare to start our new venture. I know the boys are getting excited too. Even Erik, who is NOT good with change, boxed up his beloved books yesterday. This is how I know he is ready. Where ever his books are is where his home is. I completely understand this. Shannon was boxing all of my books yesterday and made the mistake of asking if we could get rid of most of them. Um, NO! was my sweet reply. If looks could kill I would be a widow... I do love the moving process. It's hard work but so rewarding. For someone who has the potential to be a hoarder (especially of books), we should move every year. It's ...

I have been struggling this past week. Everything seems hard and insurmountable. I don't have any "Get Up And Go-ness." My mojo is running on empty. I keep wondering "Why?" For some reason, my head is foggy and thinking clearly is hard. Putting order to my daily routine is a bit overwhelming. I wish I knew how to get out of this funk. Tomorrow, I must get a grip. Time to move forward, even if it does feel like it's an uphill battle. I don't feel like I'm depressed. I mean, everything is good, actually it's great, so what the heck is up with me? The last week or so has been rough. My To Do list is forever long and the house is in a state of chaos. I just want to run away and hide out on a beach chair, listening to the ocean and sipping something cold and fruity... oh, and don't forget a few good books. I am hoping that blogging will help clear the cobwebs from my mind. I need some clarity. I do not like this feeling of... I don...

Why did I wait so long to have that darn colon removed?!?!? If I had known then what I know now, I would have jumped at the chance. I guess it's a process though; you must get to the point of no return- so to speak. When all the meds stopped working and there were no other options, I finally gave in to the colectomy. It was a rough go for quite some time and a huge learning curve with the ostomy bag, but in the end-- SO COMPLETELY WORTH IT! Today marks 8 months with my ileostomy and 5 months since rectum removal. Aside from normal surgical pain and healing, I have never felt better! I am running again! Something I have not been able to do in over 8 years because the joint pain of UC was so debilitating. I am eating raw veggies again! Another thing UC had robbed me of because it was so painful to digest. I wake up feeling great! I've never been a morning person but with UC, some days I couldn't even get out of bed. I go places with out fear of having an "epi...

We have decided to build again! This is so very exciting and one of my favorite things to do! I know, people think we are crazy because we like the building and moving process. A little over 10 years ago we built our dream house. It was double the size of anything we had ever lived in and it was our creation. I thought I'd be buried in the backyard. I should've known better, after all, in our first 10 years of marriage we moved 13 times! Now we've spent approximately 10 years here and it's time for a change. This home holds many, many wonderful memories. The boys were 6 and 4 when we moved in so this is the home they will always remember from their childhood. I think they are ready to try something new too. They are excited about a new bedroom to claim as their own. I am ready for something new too. While many of our memories here are amazing, this house also holds some very dark times filled with sickness and pain. The stairs are a constant reminder of the days I...

So, I didn't get to run my 5K because I had the FREAKIN' FLU! I spent Wednesday through Friday in bed with the FREAKIN' FLU! The 5K was today (Saturday, May 12th). I was too weak to run. I cannot express to you how sad I am about this. I am beyond disappointed. I wanted to COMPLETE this goal and I would have if it were not for the FREAKIN' FLU! Yes, I'm raising my voice via caps lock. "SHOUTY CAPS" (from the Shades of Grey trilogy :) I am MAD! I have been working so hard to be ready. All I wanted was to complete the 5K. I didn't have unrealistic expectations; in fact, my only expectation was to finish. Finish. That's it. Finish. I was prepared to walk part if I needed to. I was prepared to cross the finish line last. All I wanted was to finish. I am MAD. FREAKIN' FLU. OK. Time to put a new goal on the calendar. I needed some venting and it's now done so I must move forward. After all, this is life. I guess I need to ...

Started a new book today,  Arresting Grace  by Michael Joel Green. I'm only one chapter in but I'm hooked. Here's a link to his website: Arresting Grace     I actually downloaded the e-book (kindle version) for free and am very glad I did. Totally hooked on this guy's willingness to be completely transparent with who he was at the time of his DUI arrest. I can't wait to read more. His writing style reminds me of  Blue Like Jazz  by Donald Miller.  He conveys a humble approach to his belief in God and his human-ness to screw up and I find it very easy, not only to read but also, to relate to. It's like he's sitting in your living room, on your couch, and visiting with you face to face. I love to read. Actually, love is not a strong enough word. I think I would die with out something to read. I always have several books going at one time. Depending on my mood, I might reach for something light and funny or maybe, something that ch...

I knew I needed to run today. I have not run since returning from California. I've been fighting a vicious migraine for 2 dang days now. This did not help me want to run. To top it off, it's stinking HOT today and windy. YUCK. I was tempted to stay in bed all day. Finally, around 6pm I headed to the gym to let the treadmill punish me. It was a hard run and I lacked motivation.  What I like about treadmills is this: I can hold on to the bar thingy in front of me, close my eyes and get lost in my music while I run. This is what I did. I was struggling through the last 10 minutes of my workout when my playlist shuffled and SexyBack began to play. It was as if J.T. was singing to me. Pushing me up and over that wall. I did it, I finished! It felt great!   I wouldn't be surprised if someone YouTubed me. I was so lost in the moment, I was probably singing and making a fool of myself. I'm sure it was NOT pretty... I have also been known to get my groove on whil...

I lost this afternoon to a headache, more of a migraine, that set in after lunch. It has increased it's presence and now holds me by the nape of my neck with it's gnashing fangs. I feel the tension rolling down my spine and through my shoulder blades. So far, nothing over the counter has lessened it's hold. I am reminded of a time not so long ago where I dealt with pain much worse than this on a daily basis. The incessant aching of every joint in my body. The inflammation of my organs on the inside of my body. The excruciating cramping followed by hours spent in the bathroom. Days lost and nights that stretched endlessly with loud and unrelenting pain. It was beyond anything I've ever experienced. Even childbirth does not compare, at least there was a tiny bundle of joy to focus on at the end. Rewarded for enduring pain. No matter how much time goes by, I don't think I will ever forget the pain of Ulcerative Colitis. It is an ugly beast that threatened to ta...

There is not a support group in my area for people with an ostomy so I have turned to social media networking. I have found the coolest people through Twitter, Facebook and blogging. We are from all over the world and yet, we are connected through shared life experiences. I have not met any of my new "friends" in person---yet. Maybe one day we will find ourselves in the same place at the same time. I look forward to this! Dealing with any kind of chronic illness can be a very, very lonely and discouraging ordeal. Many of us face long bouts of isolation and depression. It's hard to see past this when you are deep in the middle of it. People who are fortunate to have good health don't always understand why we suffer the mental issues like depression that chronic illness can produce. It's not that they don't want to sympathize, it's just that- unless you've been there, you can't fully comprehend the awfulness of the circumstance. After reading var...