Be strong, but not rude.
Be kind, but not weak.
Be bold, but don't bully.
Be humble, but not shy.
Be confident, but not arrogant.
I don't know who came up with the above quote but I'm pretty sure they were on to something. I often cross these lines. Sometimes on a daily basis, if I'm honest. That's not an easy thing to admit either. We will call that pride...
I try to live my life by the golden rule-- you know, the one found in Luke 6.
I often fail miserably at that too. I find that I don't really want to put myself out there in the world in any capacity where things I say or do might come back to bite me. Because believe me, I WILL do or say something stupid that I will have to own up to. It's just a matter of time.
I was thinking about this today when I went for a run. Running can either be my friend or foe mentally. It gives me time to process and do some introspection. Often times it brings crap to the surface that I've managed to push aside and not deal with. These make for long and painful runs, my least favorite but most productive.
I won't go into the boring details of what my thoughts were today other than this: I tend to keep to myself and not put forth a whole lot of effort in taking myself out of my comfortable little bubble.
As I was finishing my run and transferring into the cool down period my play list started Needtobreathe's Keep Your Eyes Open. Have you heard this song? It's got a great beat. Today, for the first time I really listened to the lyrics. Really listened.
Ummmm, is this a hint that I need to break out of the bubble? Because, I really, reeeeaaaaallllyyyy like my bubble.
What is my true reason for staying within my comfort zone? Oh, that's right-- it's comfortable! As long as I'm comfortable in my little zone my chances of screwing up are pretty slim. Or at least the audience is a little nicer and more forgiving when I do.
That's just pathetic. I'm a little embarrassed to have admitted to this. OK, a LOT embarrassed.
So where do I go from here? How does one break free of the comfort zone bubble? How does one not panic, hyperventilate, run back screaming and slam the door in the face of the unknown? When did I become this person?
I have a feeling chronic illness has quite a bit to do with it. That's a great excuse abut that's all it is. It doesn't keep me from doing everything I love. Sure, there are days and sometimes weeks even, where I can't do what I enjoy. It doesn't keep me from picking back up as soon as I feel good though.
Here's what I think: when I was super duper sick pre-ileostomy, I had no choice but to give in to the disease and it's daily debilitating yuckiness. I had to pick and choose carefully what my time and energy would be spent on. Post-ileostomy I still have to prioritize and take care of myself because I do still have bad days and nights for that matter. I may have what feels like copious amounts of energy compared to before but in reality, it still has a cap on it. So, all that is to say this: I got comfortable in my protected little sickness bubble. I've come out of it in many ways but as far as pursuing new friendships heck, even maintaining some of the old I'm doing a pretty pitiful job there.
I am quite content alone. Maybe too much so. This is something my hubby gets frustrated with me on. I don't need a lot of close friends. I'm fortunate in that the hubs is my best friend and I have a great family which provides me with several close relationships. Branching outside of this is hard. I enjoy meeting new people and hanging out with great friends but I tend to keep just a little bit of distance there. This is an area I hope to be bolder in.
I guess it's time to leave home and venture into the great unknown...