Posts

Beauty in the Broken Places

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I'm breaking my blog silence finally.

It's been an incredibly rough couple of years to say the least. My life has been turned upside down, right side up then upside down again. I think I just might be on my way up once more...

I hope anyway.

My heart is broken and in the process of healing, something I fear may take a lifetime. My husband and I decided to end our 24 year marriage this year. It was not an easy decision. I will not air the details here as it is no one's business but ours. From this point forward, we are concentrating on our friendship, our boys and making the best of this situation.

Have you heard of the Japanese pottery art of filling broken pieces with gold to put a vessel back together?
It's a practice called kintsukuroi meaning "to repair with gold." This particular art has touched me deeply.  As I said, my heart is broken and it will never be the same again. The scars that life leaves behind can be devastating and ugly. I don't want ug…

J is for Joy

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It might take me a year to get through this whole alphabet post challenge...

J is for Joy.

A lot has happened since my last posting in June. A whole lot. To start with, my sweet Grammy (dad's mom) went to heaven and my grandfather (mom's dad) followed a few hours later which made for a very sad day. It also meant 2 funerals in 1 day, if you can believe that. Although we may be sad, it's also such a blessing as both were suffering terribly from failing bodies. I managed to navigate through those few days on massive amounts of meds as I was actually very sick with this stupid Crohn's mess. The pictures from then portray my struggle vividly. Shannon and boys happened to be in Alaska on a fishing trip with his dad when all this went down but thankfully my sister and her 3 kiddos were here so I wasn't alone in my grief. The one nice thing about death in our family is that we all come together from all over to celebrate our loved one's life. There are tears but there…

Memories of a Life Lived Abundantly

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The seconds on the clock seem to be in slow-motion, each one forcing the hands of time to inch slowly along as if they weigh a thousand pounds.

We are waiting. Waiting for the minutes to stop their drive to move time forward. Waiting for her soul to be released into the arms of Jesus. It's why she lived with such grace and abundant love.
Memories of life and love flood my mind like the old black and white silent movies. I stand paralyzed in my grief as the images dance past the backs of my eyelids. A smile on my face even though my heart is breaking.
I see the young woman as she meets her future husband and the sparks that ignite bringing color to this moment in time. The promise of a bright future and many blessings.

Flashes of babies, camping trips and flavorful food that caresses my mind's nose.

Christmas trees and gifts that flow into the middle of the Hinkle house living room surrounded by their children and their children's children.

Memories of crawling through the …

I is for Inflammatory

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I is for Inflammatory.
More specifically, I is for Inflammatory Bowel Disease or IBD for short.


IBD:
Inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) involves chronic inflammation of all or part of your digestive tract. IBD primarily includes ulcerative colitis and Crohn's disease. Both usually involve severe diarrhea, pain, fatigue and weight loss. IBD can be debilitating and sometimes leads to life-threatening complications.

I have had the privilege (yes, you detect a bit of sarcasm there) of experiencing both Ulcerative Colitis (UC) AND Crohn's. July 2004 marks the anniversary of UC diagnosis. I have an ileostomy because of UC. My colon was so diseased and beyond the help of modern medicine that it had to go in 2011. January 2015 marks the diagnosis of Crohn's. We thought having my colon removed in 2011 would bring an end to the UC and it did. What we did not count on is that IBD has two spectrums to it, UC on one end and Crohn's on the other. Some have asked if maybe I had Crohn'…

H is for Hope

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H is for Hope.

It's been a terribly long road for us. All this mess started back in early November with no clear answer as to what was happening to me, my body until late January when Crohn's was finally diagnosed.

To say that news was devastating would be a gross understatement.

I had worked so hard over the last 3 years to become healthy post ostomy surgery, post Ulcerative Colitis, post near death. I was enjoying an active lifestyle until one day I wasn't. Pain slowly crept in to my daily life threatening to rob me of all joy.

Crohn's has managed to single handedly mangle my hope.

I am fighting everyday for some sort of normalcy. I long to eat, drink and be merry with everyone.

I am trying.

I am fighting.

I am hoping that each day brings me closer to health and happiness. I am hoping that life with Crohn's will eventually just become life again, that Crohn's will no longer try to upstage me.

My hope is to turn this negative into a positive but I am struggli…

G is for ...

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I've been trying for weeks with out success to write this post on the letter G. I've tried G is for Grace, Gratitude, Guts, Giving, Goodness... The list of constructive G-words is endless and yet none would take shape enough to qualify as a post.

I am frustrated with my current situation.  I wake up every morning with intense pain which worsens when I let my bladder go for the first time after several hours of sleep. Doc says it's probably scarring from disease and surgery. Awesome. I so want to be positive, to do the whole mind over matter thing but the matter is overriding the mind. It's hard to focus on the good when the bad threatens to squash it, kill and sweep it away like a pile of dust.

This weekend was the perfect example of how this damn disease (Crohn's) rules my life. We had  three couples join us at our ranch for some good old fashioned outdoor fun. We had ATVs everywhere you looked and one of the weekend's best adventures was riding them all over…

F is for Food

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F is for food.

I have a love-hate relationship with food right now.

I enjoy good food, doesn't everyone? But it does not treat me with the respect I feel I am warranted.

Well my body, specifically my small intestine (all I have left), sees food as the enemy. Meals are a ticking time bomb for me. It doesn't seem to matter what I eat either. If I put food in my mouth and swallow it, my stupid intestine is standing ready with full artillery to do battle. It starts to cramp about three-fourths of the way through a meal.

F also stands for a bad word that I try not use... key word: TRY. It's pretty difficult when the pain and cramping are at their worst. The F-bomb is just so cleansing when used correctly. It should be treated with respect and only used when absolutely necessary. This reserves it's power for when it is most needed.

Over the past few days, I've eaten rice (white) with almost every meal. Breakfast...Lunch...Dinner. It seems to be one of the least offensi…