S.A.D. aka: The Winter Blues
Yesterday I went back to the doc to see about changing my depression medicine. Every winter I struggle, the worst months are December through March due to the really cold ugly days we tend to have. I don't function well when I'm stuck inside, I NEED to be in the sun soaking up it's mighty rays. (Not good for a pasty white girl but oh well) I must be part cat...
So, back to the doctor visit. The reason I went is because I've started withdrawing--just ask my hubby, poor guy, and you could probably ask my friends too. I received a text from a close friend last week asking if I was OK because she hadn't heard from me in a while. I've also been dealing with severe migraines due to the crazy weather and wind we've been experiencing. I've had a hard time getting out of bed too. No motivation to do anything, every task feels like I'm climbing Mount Everest.
Sometimes I feel all alone but I know this is not true. I am surrounded by my family and friends so why am I struggling with this? I just feel like my anchor is searching for the ground in a bottomless pit. It makes me think my brain is broken, after all, I know I have no real reason to be feeling this way.
Every single task or event is overwhelming to me. Just making the bed can make anxious. Weird, right? It's so stinking frustrating, I just want to scream!
Doc says it's called Seasonal Affective Disorder or S.A.D., I call it Sucky Affective Disorder. Here's the wikipedia take on it: S.A.D.
I'm actually very glad there is a name for this kind of crazy I feel. Just knowing there are enough people who experience the same thing and doctors take it seriously makes me feel a little more normal. Having the science to back it up seems to help others who don't deal with depression understand it a little better, or at least, accept it. I don't think anyone can truly understand unless they've been through it themselves.
I find it's very hard to tell someone what it's like to live in a tunnel inside your head. To feel like you are running under water. Sometimes I have dreams where I've lost my contacts and my glasses (I'm blind as a bat!) and I'm struggling to keep up with what ever my surroundings are. I keep falling down and the weight of my body is so heavy that I struggle desperately to stand up, taking several attempts as I grope and feel my way around. No one seems to notice my struggle in these dreams either which compounds my panic. This is how I feel like awake when S.A.D. is in full force.
Doc is upping my antidepressant so I hope to see a change. I do what I can too, like exercising and eating right. I also have a sun lamp that I sit under during the really dark days of winter (I haven't found it since we moved though.). Yes, I know I live in Texas but here in the Panhandle we experience all 4 season and they seem to be overachievers with their extreme temperature changes and winds. We do get a lot of sun during the winter but for me, just 1 day of cloudiness is enough to bring on strong symptoms of depression. I do everything I can to try to remain "normal" but it's not always enough.
All of this is really hard to admit. Some people don't understand depression if they've never experienced it first hand. For the sufferer, it is a personal hell and often there is no explanation as to why other than the chemicals in the brain are not functioning right. When you're in the middle of it, finding the words to express what you feel is sometimes impossible. The hubs can ask me how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking and all I can say is: I don't know. It's true--I REALLY don't know. This is just as frustrating for me as it is for him. Thank goodness he's willing to stick with me and my craziness...
Seriously though, I wonder if I would do better in an environment where the weather isn't so extreme. Maybe if it was more constant or the seasons weren't so drastic when they changed. Would that help? I like to think it would, especially if I lived somewhere tropical with a beach. I'd be willing to give it a try, all in the name of research of course. :)
Depression is a sneaky little monster. It hides under the bed or in the closet where others can't see it. It comes out just as you've relaxed thinking all is well just to torture you. It's not cute or funny like in Disney's Monster's Inc., oh how I wish it were. It must be treated and taken seriously or it morphs into a much bigger creature that follows you every where.
I hate the questions the docs ask you when you go in for depression:
"Are you feeling like hurting yourself? Do you think taking your life would remedy what you are feeling? How about harming someone else?"
Ugh.
No, I don't want to harm myself, I want to stay in bed until this passes. I just want to feel normal again! Do I want to harm someone else, um yes--stupid people who get on my nerves but that's how I feel with out depression anyway. ;)
I don't mean to make light of the process doctors use. I realize they need to ask these questions and for some people they are legit. Suicide and even homicide can seem like a solution to someone who is depressed. I get it. I honestly do, because your mind is not functioning right. Not all the cylinders are firing in the brain so strange ideas can seem rational and even necessary. This is the truly scary part of depression. It must be taken seriously and dealt with. The sufferer must be treated with love and kindness even if they require drastic measures of intervention. This person is not stable and believe me, they are aware of this even if they can't admit or acknowledge it. They know they aren't right on some level but the disease is stronger than they are at that moment.
One more thing about depression, for many sufferers, it's not a one time occurrence. It can be for some, maybe it's related to events happening in their lives and as those circumstances get better so does the depression. Unfortunately, my depression is chemical related, an imbalance in the body. This type may come and go too but more than likely, it will be something I deal with my whole life. Somehow, knowing that it's an issue with the production of chemicals in me makes it easier to accept. I guess it gives it legitimacy. There is science to prove it. Data to back it up; however, it doesn't make it any less sucky.
So, back to the doctor visit. The reason I went is because I've started withdrawing--just ask my hubby, poor guy, and you could probably ask my friends too. I received a text from a close friend last week asking if I was OK because she hadn't heard from me in a while. I've also been dealing with severe migraines due to the crazy weather and wind we've been experiencing. I've had a hard time getting out of bed too. No motivation to do anything, every task feels like I'm climbing Mount Everest.
Sometimes I feel all alone but I know this is not true. I am surrounded by my family and friends so why am I struggling with this? I just feel like my anchor is searching for the ground in a bottomless pit. It makes me think my brain is broken, after all, I know I have no real reason to be feeling this way.
Every single task or event is overwhelming to me. Just making the bed can make anxious. Weird, right? It's so stinking frustrating, I just want to scream!
Doc says it's called Seasonal Affective Disorder or S.A.D., I call it Sucky Affective Disorder. Here's the wikipedia take on it: S.A.D.
I'm actually very glad there is a name for this kind of crazy I feel. Just knowing there are enough people who experience the same thing and doctors take it seriously makes me feel a little more normal. Having the science to back it up seems to help others who don't deal with depression understand it a little better, or at least, accept it. I don't think anyone can truly understand unless they've been through it themselves.
I find it's very hard to tell someone what it's like to live in a tunnel inside your head. To feel like you are running under water. Sometimes I have dreams where I've lost my contacts and my glasses (I'm blind as a bat!) and I'm struggling to keep up with what ever my surroundings are. I keep falling down and the weight of my body is so heavy that I struggle desperately to stand up, taking several attempts as I grope and feel my way around. No one seems to notice my struggle in these dreams either which compounds my panic. This is how I feel like awake when S.A.D. is in full force.
Doc is upping my antidepressant so I hope to see a change. I do what I can too, like exercising and eating right. I also have a sun lamp that I sit under during the really dark days of winter (I haven't found it since we moved though.). Yes, I know I live in Texas but here in the Panhandle we experience all 4 season and they seem to be overachievers with their extreme temperature changes and winds. We do get a lot of sun during the winter but for me, just 1 day of cloudiness is enough to bring on strong symptoms of depression. I do everything I can to try to remain "normal" but it's not always enough.
All of this is really hard to admit. Some people don't understand depression if they've never experienced it first hand. For the sufferer, it is a personal hell and often there is no explanation as to why other than the chemicals in the brain are not functioning right. When you're in the middle of it, finding the words to express what you feel is sometimes impossible. The hubs can ask me how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking and all I can say is: I don't know. It's true--I REALLY don't know. This is just as frustrating for me as it is for him. Thank goodness he's willing to stick with me and my craziness...
Seriously though, I wonder if I would do better in an environment where the weather isn't so extreme. Maybe if it was more constant or the seasons weren't so drastic when they changed. Would that help? I like to think it would, especially if I lived somewhere tropical with a beach. I'd be willing to give it a try, all in the name of research of course. :)
Depression is a sneaky little monster. It hides under the bed or in the closet where others can't see it. It comes out just as you've relaxed thinking all is well just to torture you. It's not cute or funny like in Disney's Monster's Inc., oh how I wish it were. It must be treated and taken seriously or it morphs into a much bigger creature that follows you every where.
I hate the questions the docs ask you when you go in for depression:
"Are you feeling like hurting yourself? Do you think taking your life would remedy what you are feeling? How about harming someone else?"
Ugh.
No, I don't want to harm myself, I want to stay in bed until this passes. I just want to feel normal again! Do I want to harm someone else, um yes--stupid people who get on my nerves but that's how I feel with out depression anyway. ;)
I don't mean to make light of the process doctors use. I realize they need to ask these questions and for some people they are legit. Suicide and even homicide can seem like a solution to someone who is depressed. I get it. I honestly do, because your mind is not functioning right. Not all the cylinders are firing in the brain so strange ideas can seem rational and even necessary. This is the truly scary part of depression. It must be taken seriously and dealt with. The sufferer must be treated with love and kindness even if they require drastic measures of intervention. This person is not stable and believe me, they are aware of this even if they can't admit or acknowledge it. They know they aren't right on some level but the disease is stronger than they are at that moment.
One more thing about depression, for many sufferers, it's not a one time occurrence. It can be for some, maybe it's related to events happening in their lives and as those circumstances get better so does the depression. Unfortunately, my depression is chemical related, an imbalance in the body. This type may come and go too but more than likely, it will be something I deal with my whole life. Somehow, knowing that it's an issue with the production of chemicals in me makes it easier to accept. I guess it gives it legitimacy. There is science to prove it. Data to back it up; however, it doesn't make it any less sucky.
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