being still

It's Friday and I really thought I'd be back on my feet by now. Not so. Made it to Birthday Club lunch today but didn't last long. I was very disappointed.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to sit through 3 basketball games. I'm thinking that's a little ambitious. I feel like such a wimp!

I am going to try to focus on the positive now. The port is going to be really nice for the Remicade infusions. The nurses won't turn and run now when I come in. At least I hope not...

I'm having such a hard time staying positive. Not sure why because of all the things I've been through medically, this is not a big deal. Or it shouldn't be anyway. I think I realized right before surgery, that this is my life. Don't get me wrong. I am not complaining about my life over all. I am blessed beyond measure, I just realized that with out Remicade--I am a sick, sick person. When I was unable to receive my last treatment, all these fears came crashing in on me. What if I have a flare up? What if I get really sick before I can get back on the Remicade? What if the port doesn't work? What if it gets infected? AHHHHHG! I know better than to let these dark thoughts take over. I am scared. I've had a taste of feeling good, being healthy, living normal and suddenly it seemed it could be gone in a flash. I can't go through that dark time again. I don't want my family to go through it either.

I tried praying last night and couldn't. I can't remember not being able to pray, ever. I'm not sure why either. It's like I was afraid to voice my fears. To give them the power of words was overwhelming. I realized I was shutting down, becoming numb. So, I just let go. I stopped fighting the fears, stopped trying to force away the bad thoughts and I lay on my back staring at the dark ceiling for a very long time. I let the emotion I was holding back free and I closed my eyes. I'm not sure when I went to sleep but when I awoke this morning, the sun was shining bright and I could hear the birds singing outside. Shannon's soft breathing was a comforting melody to the early light. I felt weightless and the heaviness of fear was gone.

I know now, that when I surrendered my worries, I allowed God to come in and carry my burden. Because I like to write, I often feel like I can't process something with out giving it words. I can get caught in that and lose focus easily. God, being who He is, reminded me gently, that sometimes I have to be still before He can do anything to help me. He is the Remicade to my soul.