being still

It's Friday and I really thought I'd be back on my feet by now. Not so. Made it to Birthday Club lunch today but didn't last long. I was very disappointed.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to sit through 3 basketball games. I'm thinking that's a little ambitious. I feel like such a wimp!

I am going to try to focus on the positive now. The port is going to be really nice for the Remicade infusions. The nurses won't turn and run now when I come in. At least I hope not...

I'm having such a hard time staying positive. Not sure why because of all the things I've been through medically, this is not a big deal. Or it shouldn't be anyway. I think I realized right before surgery, that this is my life. Don't get me wrong. I am not complaining about my life over all. I am blessed beyond measure, I just realized that with out Remicade--I am a sick, sick person. When I was unable to receive my last treatment, all these fears came crashing in on me. What if I have a flare up? What if I get really sick before I can get back on the Remicade? What if the port doesn't work? What if it gets infected? AHHHHHG! I know better than to let these dark thoughts take over. I am scared. I've had a taste of feeling good, being healthy, living normal and suddenly it seemed it could be gone in a flash. I can't go through that dark time again. I don't want my family to go through it either.

I tried praying last night and couldn't. I can't remember not being able to pray, ever. I'm not sure why either. It's like I was afraid to voice my fears. To give them the power of words was overwhelming. I realized I was shutting down, becoming numb. So, I just let go. I stopped fighting the fears, stopped trying to force away the bad thoughts and I lay on my back staring at the dark ceiling for a very long time. I let the emotion I was holding back free and I closed my eyes. I'm not sure when I went to sleep but when I awoke this morning, the sun was shining bright and I could hear the birds singing outside. Shannon's soft breathing was a comforting melody to the early light. I felt weightless and the heaviness of fear was gone.

I know now, that when I surrendered my worries, I allowed God to come in and carry my burden. Because I like to write, I often feel like I can't process something with out giving it words. I can get caught in that and lose focus easily. God, being who He is, reminded me gently, that sometimes I have to be still before He can do anything to help me. He is the Remicade to my soul.

Comments

  1. As I read your post, all I could think of was Romans 8:26 "In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." You are so strong Monnie. Remember that. Make it through the moments, and then you'll find you've made it through the day. Praying for you.

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  2. That is why you have US praying for you - we are interceding on YOUR behalf! Take time. I know it is so HARD to be still but you deserve it - God wants you to relax in Him!

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  3. I love reading your posts...they keep me close to you. Are your fears Satan? Not being in control? I think you are on the right track though...be still and know. I love you.

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