UHG!

For the last 2 days I have done only what was necessary. I got up took kids to school, went back to bed, got up picked up kids, went back to bed, got up made dinner went back to bed. I bet I slept approximately 26-27 hours between Tuesday and Wednesday. This is so frustrating! Tuesday was a pain filled day and yesterday I was just exhausted from the stinking pain of Tuesday. I even got up and went to my scheduled work out yesterday afternoon hoping it would help. Nope. Instead, I came home and promptly went to bed.
Frustration level at it's highest right now.
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I'm doing a workbook called "The Pain Survival Guide" right now. I've just finished the first lesson and although it was very insightful, I had to recount my pain history into a journal as an exercise of the 1st chapter. I was surprised at how emotional this was for me. Of the anger and sadness that surfaced during this exercise. I must have been holding a lot of this in and not allowing others to know what I've been feeling. I don't think I've been totally honest with myself either. By the time I was done writing it all down I was mad. Mad at the stupid UC, mad at the 6 years I've been dealing with it and mad at myself. I guess, it was good to go through that, to purge all those feelings. I'm not one for self-pity, so I guess, I built up a lot of anger and resentment towards the disease. It's not like I can yell at my colon, though I've tried, it's not very satisfying.
Doing this blog has helped though. Through it, I've found a place to vent and connected with people who seem to have the same struggles. I have several friends who suffer from ailments much greater than mine. They understand chronic pain and it's hold it can have on your life. Sometimes I feel like such a sissy complaining or feeling sorry for myself when compared to what they deal with on a daily basis--I look like a triathlete.
I have a friend from high school and we've reconnected through facebook. She has a disease that is literally crippling her. I hate this for her. She amazes me though. She has managed to live her life to the fullest despite these challenges. I can't begin to tell you the number of surgeries she's had or the amount of chronic pain she deals with, but I can tell you, she tries to be her best everyday, to raise her daughter, to be a wife and to press forward despite the challenges of her disease. I am impressed by her attitude. On occasion she vents. I think this is healthy, to get the frustration out so you can move forward. While she may let her anger and fears show now and then, I never get the feeling she is wallowing in self-pity. She is simply dealing with what life throws at her the best she can.
The next chapter in this workbook-"The Pain Survival Guide"-which was written by 2 doctors, by the way, is about activity and pacing yourself...
This should be a good one for me. Shannon is always telling me to pace myself. I tend to pretend that I am superwoman on my good days which seems to set me up for a really bad day. Maybe that's what happened to me this week. Monday was a fantastic day! Maybe I over did?  If I can just find the balance of how much I can do with out paying for it the next few days, I'd be so thrilled!
It will be interesting to see what I gain from this workbook. I am excited and scared at the same time. After the first chapter and going back through the years of pain and loss, I know this will not be an easy journey. But what is? Nothing great is ever easy, is it.

Comments

  1. Dear sweet Monnie,
    You are in my prayers. My dad has struggled and battled with UC since 1997 and the whole disease is crippling in so many ways. It is heartbreaking to see those you love battling any illness. You will be in my prayers. I hope that you will find some helpful coping skills from the book. I will pass this book on to my parents.
    Love you,
    Priscilla

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  2. Hi Sis,
    Sorry that your having a bad couple of days. Keep your head up and know that many of us are thinking about you and loving you. You are fun person and wonderful sister. Pace yourself, and enjoy each good day.
    dani

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  3. Thank you sweet sister and Priscilla. Your encouragement means the world to me!
    Priscilla--I'm sorry, but you'll always be "Prissy" to me--I didn't realize your dad has had UC for so long. Give your parents my regards.
    much love--monnie

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  4. You know, I still pray for you often. Guess I am one of those prayer cover people for you. So, know that you have been brought before the throne of our great an awesome God! I pray grace for the journey, but most of all healing, supernatural and divine.
    Blessings,
    Suzan

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  5. Monnie, I don't post often, but I read your blog and I always identify with you. This post was especially poignant. For me, I get so tired of hurting that I get sick of myself. Sometimes I feel like I can't separate the way I feel and who I am. I know logically that who I am has nothing to do with feelings, pain, disease blah blah blah. But, at the same time, you become so entangled with it that it's hard to separate. I don't like who I am when I am sick and it seems that there are times when it is most of the time. I'm just struggling with how to be honest about the way I feel and accept the truth of who God says I am. I think this will be a lesson that I learn for a long time. -julie solomon

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  6. Thank you Suzan! You are such a dear friend.

    Julie- well said! I completely relate to what you are saying. It's almost as if I said it myself. Won't it be wonderful to experience God's full healing one day!

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