a fireside reflection...

I'm sitting fireside on the back patio. It's the first pretty day we've had in a while and I'm enjoying it's end.

Today was a frustrating day. I woke up tired and with a headache. I tried to get my house under control but it took control of me instead. After 30 minutes of activity I have to rest because I'm so weak still. My arms and legs get shaky and I'm out of breath. So, I work then rest for 30 minutes then back to work again... so stinkin' frustrating! 

I hate it, absolutely hate it. 

Yesterday marked 2 months from my last surgery. I forget, I haven't even been home 2 months yet. 

There are so many things I want to do. I feel like I've been given a second chance at life. If only I could get my stamina and energy back!

I'm sitting here watching my brilliant dog try to lick the hot chiminea. I bet he only does it once. I can't help but wonder if God ever looks at us that way. He must think, I gave you a brain for a reason, please use it....

What does God think of us? Our politics? Our morals? I wonder if this is the end sometimes. I'm not a fanatic, just a believer. The Bible says we won't know the day, the hour or the time but we will know the season. Is this the beginning of the season? Have we crossed over into Sodom and Gomorrah territory? There is so much in this world that is unacceptable by Biblical standards, I just wonder...

I have many good friends from all walks of life. Some have chosen lifestyles that I don't believe are right but I still love them dearly. I never want to judge or offend, after all, Christ say to love the person but hate the sin. Actually, he says to love the sinner. Who isn't a sinner? I know I'm not exempt from sin so I better not judge. I also have friends who embrace other religions or none at all, even some that are atheist. The only thing that I can do is live my life according to what I believe which is that Jesus is the son of God who makes it possible for me to have eternal life. I feel that my best form of communication about this is living it not pointing fingers and naming sins. This just alienates people. After all, who did Jesus hang out with? He didn't just surround himself by "Godly Christians;" he walked among the dregs of society--prostitutes, liars, cheaters, murderers... the people most of us would turn away from.

I know God was with me in the hospital. I felt him there. I don't know how to put it in words other than I know I felt His presence with me. (No, it wasn't the drugs!) I was so sick I couldn't pray, couldn't even talk to my husband but I know I felt the presence of the Lord with me.  At one point while I was in ICU, I thought this really might be the end of the road for me. I wasn't giving up hope, I wanted to live, to be with my family, raise my kids, grow old with Shannon and maybe wear purple clothes with a red hat one day, but if I was going home to heaven---I was at peace with that too. How else do you have peace dying at such a young age and leaving so much undone behind? It was amazing and accepting that allowed me to begin healing. My condition continued to improve and Jesus and I left the ICU later that day. I know, for a fact, that if you are at odds with something in your life it will take a physical toll on your body.

I say Jesus and I left the ICU because we did. I know because I could all but feel his weight sitting on the bed next to me. While I slept He spoke promises to me. Promises of a full and abundant life filled with the love of my family and watching my boys grow. Promises of Shannon and I growing old and gray. And the promise of peace no matter what the future brings. I know the rest of my life will not be paved with roads of gold. We will suffer and experience hard times and loss but it won't be in vain. I do know that, but I'm OK with it. 

I'm not sure if I was really that close to dying or not. I did stop breathing several times and had my mother not caught it, I might have not made it out. It makes you stop and think. What is my purpose? I'm still wondering what I will do when I grow up. I think God has many plans for us through out our life here on Earth. My purpose right now is to be the best wife and mother I possibly can. Who knows what He'll have me do next...