All pain, No gain.

I need to vent. Reader beware, if you're looking for a happy go-lucky posting, this is not it.

I'm in pain. This is the most pain I've been in since my ostomy surgery in September of 2011. My bones ache. My muscles are tender to the touch. My joints throb. Even my skin hurts. This kind of pain was a daily occurrence before the removal of my colon and large intestine, it went hand in hand with the active Ulcerative Colitis. I really thought these kinds of days were behind me now.

I guess not.

The past few months have been miserable. I am popping pain medication (50mg Tramadol) like it's candy and it's not touching the pain. I hardly slept last night due to the pain which made the aching even more intense today. And now guess what, I can't sleep tonight because of the radiating thobbing in my legs. It's a vicious cycle. What I need is relief and sleep but one won't come without the other.

I rarely tell anybody about the pain I'm in. Mainly because they would be sick of me complaining constantly. I have a handful of people in my life who truly understand chronic pain and every now and then I allow myself to open up about it with them. I try to stay positive and look for the best but when pain infiltrates every fiber of my being at this level well, it's extremely hard to stay focused on the good.

I think I've worn the hubby out lately too. He seems a little frustrated with me.

I've been to see my arthritis doc, no answers there. Great.

We're moving into the fall weather pattern which is bringing in high pressure cold fronts that wreak havoc on my physical being. To be honest, my mental state isn't fairing so well either. Spend enough time in pain and it will take a toll on your spirit.

I'm trying my usual ways of coping with the physical pain by distracting my mind. It helps some. I was doing some hand sewing on a project but the sharp stabbing like sensation and the relentless ache in my hands and wrists kind of stalled that out. I did some art journaling this week which I really love to do. It helped some but then sitting in a chair at the table became too uncomfortable. I read a lot and that allows me to escape for a while but when I am constantly changing positions it's hard to focus. Watching TV is an okay form of distraction as long as I can do something else along with it. I know it seems a bit childish, but I love to color and often do while watching TV or until my hands throw a fit anyway.

Nothing is helping tonight though.

I've exhausted myself with Pinterest, Polyvore, Facebook, Instagram, Flipboard and Twitter. I've read all my favorite web pages, surfed mindlessly and even tried window shopping a few retail sites. The game apps on my IPad and phone no longer hold interest. I can't seem to find a good book since finishing the last one. The DVR has run dry. See, this is what pain does, it robs you of the joy in your favorite things. Makes me wanna cuss. Son of a beached whale!

I do have a theory of why my pain has progressively worsened. Mind you, it's only a theory but here goes:

  • In September 2011 I had my ostomy surgery which was something like 4 hours under anesthesia then, a few days later went under again for a bit of stoma tweaking for less than an hour. 
  • In December 2011, I had to have the rectal stump removed because it flared badly with UC. Thus another round of anesthesia for several hours and--wait for it--I was overdosed causing respiratory failure. Bonus.
  • The funny thing about anesthesia, it can stay in your body for 6 months or longer depending on the amount used and how fast the body metabolizes  it. 
  • I did the math on this: 3 surgeries, 2 of which were for several hours, plus the overdose equals enough anesthesia in my body for at least 18 months. I think this was masking the joint pain. 
  • As the anesthesia has worn off, my pain is increasing.
So that's my theory, in bullet points no less. Who the heck really knows, the doc sure doesn't seem to. All my blood work so far is normal, nothing jumping off the page anyway. No new diagnoses to blame. That's what's hard, the not knowing why. If there was a clear reason then there might be a clear answer. However, there is no guarantee in that either.

I'm finally feeling like I can relax now so I'm off to bed. Sorry for the pissy attitude. Sometimes you just need to purge the ugly.






Comments

  1. Monnie -
    You will have to excuse me for not keeping up with you better. But, as it is, I have trouble even keeping in touch with the ones I care about, b/c as you know - it seems people get sick of you after a while with pain. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Keep fighting. You know something is wrong, so all I can say is keep fighting for a proper reason. I had given up and accepted that there was just so much damage that I would always be in pain - but that didn't make sense logically. One morning, I woke up in a horrible sweat and sharp pain - I remember this pain, this was close to my endometrosis pains, but worse. To make a long story short. My vitamin D level were so low (as in the lab took it upon themselves to double check) that non essential organs were beginning to shut down. Ovary, etc. I had, in one day, been thrown into menopause. I already have had a hysterctomy, so cycles are nonexistant, and I had troubles there anyway, so....I only had slight ovary function of one ovary, but that which I did have suddenly stopped. Anyway, long story short, once I finally convinced somebody that there was indeed something out of the normal wrong with me (people do get so tired of hearing us, don't they - I am like you, and I just prefer to lay in pain rather than tell somebody, especially to avoid occurances like this.) As it was, it took a week for my husband to get me to the dr. I was so close to calling an ambulance. My doctor told me my Vitamin D levels were lower than any living human being he had seen (not really something fun to hear). I am losing hair, lost a great deal of cognitive functioning (forgot words, could not write....seemed allot like a person deteriorating from old age). I'm trying to be good, but I want more answers - there is very little written about the long term prognosis of this. I understand how you feel....why in the world would one more thing be added to my plate? While I was in Amarillo, I saw a very good pain doctor. Tramadol was never a pain medication that worked well for me. I am not sure how you feel about pain medication, but tramadol is in a different class of pain meds, and it just does very little to help some people. If you would like the name of this doctor......he really was wonderful - one of the best I ever saw in my life....please email me. tillywilly@gmail.com I wish I could be there for you. I know I am not close physically, but you can ALWAYS talk to me about your struggles and they will be heard with an understanding ear. I keep mine locked inside and mostly find myself talking to my dog. Yep, I'm one of those people. I am sorry you are going through this, and I send my love and hope we can share any wisdom we have gained over the years.

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