G is for ...

I've been trying for weeks with out success to write this post on the letter G. I've tried G is for Grace, Gratitude, Guts, Giving, Goodness... The list of constructive G-words is endless and yet none would take shape enough to qualify as a post.

I am frustrated with my current situation.  I wake up every morning with intense pain which worsens when I let my bladder go for the first time after several hours of sleep. Doc says it's probably scarring from disease and surgery. Awesome. I so want to be positive, to do the whole mind over matter thing but the matter is overriding the mind. It's hard to focus on the good when the bad threatens to squash it, kill and sweep it away like a pile of dust.

This weekend was the perfect example of how this damn disease (Crohn's) rules my life. We had  three couples join us at our ranch for some good old fashioned outdoor fun. We had ATVs everywhere you looked and one of the weekend's best adventures was riding them all over our ranch. It had rained for several days and the river and ponds were full creating great swimming holes and fishing. Because of the amount of pain I am in and how rough the ride in ATVs can be, I had to sit out on this part.

I hated it.

I wanted so badly to go along with the group and explore. The hours they spent roaming the ranch, jumping off cliffs in to swimming holes sounded like heaven! If I had gone I would have been incapacitated the rest of the weekend from the pain of my innards being jostled around so I sat at the cabin and read while I waited. I try hard not to let these things bother me but missing out on such great fun was extremely hard. I loved hearing all about their adventures and seeing the excitement on their faces. I just wish I could've been a part of it.

While everyone devoured amazing steaks cooked over the fire pit that evening, I drank my protein shake. While they enjoyed ice cold beer, I sipped water. I was extremely careful with food this weekend. The last thing I wanted was to eat something like steak and then be so miserable I'd have to just go to bed. 

I want to be normal again. Or at least locate my new normal.

So the letter G is proving difficult. I aim to be positive and yet I can't seem to put enough words together for it. 

I'm fighting an up hill battle and I'm so very tired. 

I took my Humira injection this past Wednesday late in the afternoon. I usually try to take it in the morning because I feel terrible for about 24 hours but I had plans I didn't want to miss. This made Thursday suck. I could not control the relentless pain in my body from abdominal cramping to joint and muscle soreness. It was so unbearable that I ended up taking the limit of my pain management arsenal and eventually knocking myself out with phenergan around 8pm. Sounds like fun huh.

The hubby was panicked that we might have to cancel the weekend plans at the ranch. I HATE being the reason plans change. Or cancel.

I think I could write a post on the letter H for Hate and it would be 10 pages long. I don't want to be this person who is jaded and negative. I don't want pain to dictate my attitude. I'm trying, really trying to put it aside and focus on the good. I have so much to be thankful for. 

My kiddo sent this text to me Sunday afternoon. He has no idea how much this encouraged me. How perfect the timing was. How I needed something to push through the pity party I was secretly holding in my honor. I am in desperate need of hope.  And joy. I used to be overflowing with joy and I've let this stupid Crohn's steal it away. Maybe I even packed hope along with joy in a box and shipped it off myself.  Whoever finds it, please mark it "Return to Sender," I will be happy to reimburse you on the postage.

Maybe, G could be for Groove? Maybe, I just need to get my groove back? No, I know I need to get my groove back. It's gone missing too, probably packed neatly in that box with hope and joy. I need to start planning some goals to get my groove back on. 

I started running after my ostomy surgery in 2011 and had the 1/2 marathon goal which I achieved 1 year later almost to the anniversary date of the surgery. I was focused and determined to not just survive that terrible year of sickness, surgery and recovery but to THRIVE. I need that energy and determination again but I think this time, my need looks different. 

So... what does my groove look like now? At the end of this month, our baby will graduate from high school and change the way life has been for me for the last 20 years. Both boys will be "independent" pursuing their college life and dreams. My job description will be completely new and even though I will still be their mother, my hands-on will be so very different. My schedule will open up with more free time than I've ever had. 

This excites me and yet fear still fights for 1st place. I like new things and experiences, change usually doesn't scare me... Except now that Crohn's has invaded my body, it's slowly creeping into my mind changing the shape of every single day. It's filled me with an emotion I am not familiar with--Fear. What do you fight fear with?

I guess G can also stand for Goals. At the mention of this word, my mind hits a road block. Why? Am I scared? Yes, I think I am. I just have no idea where to start. It was so clear in 2011 but not now. Now, I'm stuck in this eternal black hole of pain. Could someone please throw me a rope? And maybe a map? Possibly a backpack full of direction and determination? I would be ever so grateful.


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