Letter to Pain
To Pain:
I can't remember the last time I had a Pain free day. I can't remember the last time I was able to get out of bed in the morning and my first thought not be of you.
Sometimes I feel like I'm caught under the ocean current, struggling to fight against it. If I stop, will you take me under for good? Trying to keep control and not panic is wearing me out. I'm weary today. Everything seems hard. You are breathing down my neck like a predator.
Sleep didn't come easily last night. My entire body was buzzing with a weird sensation. Supposedly, working out helps in Pain management. I'm still waiting. You've robbed me of my rest.
The sun is shining but I'm in bed with the curtains drawn. Heating blanket turned to the max. As I lay here, my mind travels through the many things I want and need to do today. My body says no. My soul aches for normal day, but my body betrays me.
Yes, I know tomorrow is a new day and joy comes in the morning. I am thankful for that. I hang on to that promise. I want it now though.
I've learned to listen to my body. I know when to push through the haze of discomfort, to ignore you the best I can, and when to be still and rest. Today is a resting day. It doesn't keep the frustration away though. I am not happy in this relationship.
At some point I will slowly get going. I am blessed with a husband who understands or at least gives me grace on these days. What if I had to go to work? I wonder if that would make a difference? Can't see past your blackness right now to think about it clearly though.
How do I stop you, Pain, from taking control? God is bigger than you, I know this to my core. I can believe it with out hesitation for everyone else, why is it so hard for me to stand in that for myself? My faith is strong but my physical mind is weak.
I long to run. To feel the earth beneath me, the sun and wind on my face. I want to inhale the scent of life. I need that zone. It revives me and refreshes my soul. I hate you, Pain, for taking something I love and making it unreachable.
I am feeling fueled by my frustration. Maybe this is what I need to get moving. I refuse to let you call the shots all the time. I will rest a while longer but then you must back off. Pain-go away!
My life is awesome and you are not invited to interfere. I will continue to fight you and work around you. You will not rule over me. It's through Christ who gives me strength and with Him I will persevere.
I can't remember the last time I had a Pain free day. I can't remember the last time I was able to get out of bed in the morning and my first thought not be of you.
Sometimes I feel like I'm caught under the ocean current, struggling to fight against it. If I stop, will you take me under for good? Trying to keep control and not panic is wearing me out. I'm weary today. Everything seems hard. You are breathing down my neck like a predator.
Sleep didn't come easily last night. My entire body was buzzing with a weird sensation. Supposedly, working out helps in Pain management. I'm still waiting. You've robbed me of my rest.
The sun is shining but I'm in bed with the curtains drawn. Heating blanket turned to the max. As I lay here, my mind travels through the many things I want and need to do today. My body says no. My soul aches for normal day, but my body betrays me.
Yes, I know tomorrow is a new day and joy comes in the morning. I am thankful for that. I hang on to that promise. I want it now though.
I've learned to listen to my body. I know when to push through the haze of discomfort, to ignore you the best I can, and when to be still and rest. Today is a resting day. It doesn't keep the frustration away though. I am not happy in this relationship.
At some point I will slowly get going. I am blessed with a husband who understands or at least gives me grace on these days. What if I had to go to work? I wonder if that would make a difference? Can't see past your blackness right now to think about it clearly though.
How do I stop you, Pain, from taking control? God is bigger than you, I know this to my core. I can believe it with out hesitation for everyone else, why is it so hard for me to stand in that for myself? My faith is strong but my physical mind is weak.
I long to run. To feel the earth beneath me, the sun and wind on my face. I want to inhale the scent of life. I need that zone. It revives me and refreshes my soul. I hate you, Pain, for taking something I love and making it unreachable.
I am feeling fueled by my frustration. Maybe this is what I need to get moving. I refuse to let you call the shots all the time. I will rest a while longer but then you must back off. Pain-go away!
My life is awesome and you are not invited to interfere. I will continue to fight you and work around you. You will not rule over me. It's through Christ who gives me strength and with Him I will persevere.
Monnie,
ReplyDeleteI loved this post, NOT because you feel this way, but because I have thought and today I am feeling the same way. I type to you, from under my covers. Debating whether or not it is even worth it to shower today. I am so sorry that you feel sick. No that you aren't alone, and that there is a 25 yr. old girl in VA feeling everything you are feeling, and praying you through it! THank you for your post! It spoke to me today :)
I hope you feel better soon, and I will be praying for you!!
~Ellie
Monnie, I'm so sorry you have to deal with Pain like you do. It makes me cry for you. Love to you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. I understand am praying for you.
ReplyDelete