Hello Tuesday! I awoke with an actual desire to get stuff done today. I guess if you put things off long enough, you will eventually want to do them.
I just sat down with my 1st cup of coffee and realized how long it's been since I blogged... also realized, I've now been blogging for 1 year! Wow, time flies.
A few days ago I turned 38 or 30-great as a friend of mine says. I like that 30-great attitude and I do believe I will keep that mentality. Age really is a complete state of mind. Honestly, I still feel about 27 on the inside. I hope I'm a bit wiser though. Sometimes, I'll catch a glimpse of myself in a passing mirror and think--Good grief! Who is that frumpy middle aged woman looking at me? Oh--it's me, that's right, I'm not in my 20s anymore...
Oh well. I actually like getting older. I wish my body would stay young but, I wouldn't give up any of the life I've had getting to this point. I feel seasoned, like a good marinated steak. Ok, weird analogy- but I do feel as though I've been soaked in life and am better for it. Looking back over my posts from the last year, I'm amazed to find I have actually improved in several areas.
There is one thing that continues to baffle me. People. I am always surprised by the things people will do to each other and to themselves. It saddens me to see the destruction of friendships, marriages and other relationships. Is it that unrealistic to wonder "Why can't we all just get along?" I guess people being people is what screws us in the end. It's that darn free will that God blessed us with. I love free will, can't imagine being a drone but, I'm saddened when it goes terribly a-rye. The wounds we inflict upon each other that sometimes result in scars that can stay with us for a lifetime. Take this for an example, from my childhood: I was a goofy, buck-toothed, metal-mouthed, 4 eyed dork for much of my younger years. At some point, the braces came off and the contacts went in and I finally developed a small (very small) bit of fashion sense but- when I looked in the mirror, I still saw all the names and whispered insults from my younger years. It took me a long time to get past those and realize what was said about me was not who I really am. Now, being a little wiser and life-seasoned, I know many of the hurtful things said were really not about me but about the insecurities those people were dealing with in their own lives. After all, who knows what has been said to them that they struggled with.
So, back to the whole turning 30-great thing. I've decided that doing things half-a$$ed needs to be a thing of the past. This is very overwhelming to me and makes my stomach turn just typing it out. I am the queen of procrastination and just getting by. Why am I like this? My sister is the exact opposite. Did she get all those genes? If I'm going to be 30-GREAT then out with the below par and in with the above average. Isn't that what great means? This is a new attitude I want to incorporate in all areas of my life. The area I most struggle with is keeping house. Uhg, just the idea of what I need to change makes me break out in a cold sweat. I'm gonna do it though. I've already started with my diet and exercise so can I get a pat on the back here?
Speaking of diet and exercise. I have made drastic changes here too. My diet consists of 1200 calories per day which requires exercising daily. And when I say exercise, I mean stinky, sweaty, deodorant rendered useless type exercise. A shower is a must when I am done. I've found that in order to keep to the 1200 calories, exercise is a must. Especially if I want the occasional glass of wine...
I'm hoping that the more focused I am in improving the less energy I can devote to pain. This will take some time to deprogram from. I have pain daily, I will continue to have pain and I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life. I have no idea if this strategy will work but what I've been doing hasn't helped either. I refuse to loose more life to pain. I know there will be some days where it is undeniable and I'll deal with those the best I can. Somehow, I began to live in fear of a painful day. My thinking changed from pushing through it to trying to anticipate how bad it would be. Not a good mental state. Depression set in like a mother and I let myself be controlled by it. I'm not sure what snapped me out of it or why but, I'm ready to take the reigns that were handed to me and move past it. It's an uphill journey and I've got some good hiking boots on now. It's been said that anything worth accomplishing is not easy. I believe this 100%. Because of my natural tendency towards sliding by, I will have to put forth more than 100%.
As for the UC, the disease is in control--woooo hoooo! My doc only requires my presence in his office every 6 months now. I'm hoping with time served and good behavior it will eventually change to once a year.
Through all the changes I'm putting myself through, I find one added benefit that I didn't expect. My faith in God has grown big time! It's not that I stopped believing in Him; I just became neglectful in our relationship. That's what happens when you try to skate by, it eventually takes over every area. It's like a dense fog settles in and all you can do is keep from running into things. You're not being productive, you're just trying to manage with out falling to far behind. Honestly, I think this is harder than giving your best. I find myself relying on God's wisdom and strength because I need it to accomplish my days now. I am at peace, weirdly enough. Who knew pushing myself beyond my own self-perception would bring such peace and contentment? BONUS!
Another bonus, I'm sleeping better. I am so busy now that I am pooped by bedtime. I can look back on my day and feel good about what I've accomplished and not feel weighed down by what's hanging over me for tomorrow. Yep, I kinda like this new attitude. Think I'll keep it around.