Clinical vs Emotional
When I started researching the ileostomy surgery I found all sorts of info that was very clinical. I was able to understand exactly what the surgeon would do to my body and why. When I met with the ostomy care nurse at the hospital, she was very helpful and knowledgeable also. What I wasn't prepared for were the feelings I would experience when this procedure was done on me. Emotionally as well as physically. This is why I have made it a priority to be very open and honest about all that I've gone through. I am willing to talk openly about everything relating to having an ileostomy. In fact, I'll even show it to you if you ask!
I've found this topic makes people very uncomfortable. I also get a lot of "pity" looks. I understand this, I really do, but this procedure has given me my life back. I am healthier now than I have been in 10 years! There is no reason to feel sorry for me because I have an ileostomy. (I'm not!) Which is all the more reason for me to share what I've gone through. I want to share my experience--the good, the bad and the ugly of it all. I want others to know they are not alone. I want people who are looking at this surgery to know the emotional side and not just the clinical. I want to educate. I want to wash away the fear of the unknown.
I say this a lot: I feel like I've been given a 2nd chance at life. Everyday when I get up and realize I actually feel good, I thank God for the ileostomy that gave me such freedom. This has not been an easy journey by any means. The last 7 months have been some of the hardest in my life. At one point, I was in excruciating pain laying in the hospital after having my rectum removed, I had an NG tube that went through my nose and down my throat to pump bile out of my stomach, I was running fever from an infection in my surgical site, I'd had nothing to eat or drink for 5 days and along with the severe surgery pain, my body ached like a bad case of the flu. I also had a bladder catheter, a wound vacuum to suck out the infection from my hind end which was very uncomfortable and was wearing oxygen and a heart monitor. I looked like a science experiment. It was at this point that I wondered if the surgeries were worth it. It was so very hard to see past my current circumstance to what the future would hold. I wanted to give up and go home--home to heaven and be healed completely. However, the thought of leaving my family was unbearable so I fought to come out of the depression that had settled in like a noose around my neck.
Once I was able to return home, the real healing began. I had no idea what my backside would look like after my rectum was removed. I wondered if I would look like the Coneheads from SNL (check out the shower scene at the gym with Dan Akroyd)...but to my surprise and complete delight, I looked very much the same, normal even. This helped my state of mind tremendously since I was already dealing with the alteration of the ileostomy to the front of my body.
You can research, read and have tons of knowledge of a medical procedure and still not be prepared for what it will be like to undergo the actual surgery. You cannot know how it will effect you mentally and emotionally either. I had no clue about what the reality of this would be until I woke up after surgery, in pain, with a plastic bag stuck to my abdomen. Or the emotional roller coaster I would be on when I saw myself for the first time in a full length mirror. Or the act of leaving the house for the first time and dealing with the anxiety of an accident with the ostomy bag. And getting used to emptying the bag, not making a huge mess or spending 30 minutes doing so. Or realizing the bag is full of air and protruding from your clothing like an alien from a sci-fi flick. And when after eating, strange noises begin to occur from your stoma as the contents of your stomach make their way into the bag... These were the things I could not find when researching these surgeries. I was a little overwhelmed by the realness of living with such an alteration to my body. There is a GIANT learning curve and I am still learning...
My purpose in writing this blog is so that someone else who is going through this may stumble upon it while researching their future ostomy procedure. I hope they will find some strength in the honesty of my struggle with this transition in my life.
I've found this topic makes people very uncomfortable. I also get a lot of "pity" looks. I understand this, I really do, but this procedure has given me my life back. I am healthier now than I have been in 10 years! There is no reason to feel sorry for me because I have an ileostomy. (I'm not!) Which is all the more reason for me to share what I've gone through. I want to share my experience--the good, the bad and the ugly of it all. I want others to know they are not alone. I want people who are looking at this surgery to know the emotional side and not just the clinical. I want to educate. I want to wash away the fear of the unknown.
I say this a lot: I feel like I've been given a 2nd chance at life. Everyday when I get up and realize I actually feel good, I thank God for the ileostomy that gave me such freedom. This has not been an easy journey by any means. The last 7 months have been some of the hardest in my life. At one point, I was in excruciating pain laying in the hospital after having my rectum removed, I had an NG tube that went through my nose and down my throat to pump bile out of my stomach, I was running fever from an infection in my surgical site, I'd had nothing to eat or drink for 5 days and along with the severe surgery pain, my body ached like a bad case of the flu. I also had a bladder catheter, a wound vacuum to suck out the infection from my hind end which was very uncomfortable and was wearing oxygen and a heart monitor. I looked like a science experiment. It was at this point that I wondered if the surgeries were worth it. It was so very hard to see past my current circumstance to what the future would hold. I wanted to give up and go home--home to heaven and be healed completely. However, the thought of leaving my family was unbearable so I fought to come out of the depression that had settled in like a noose around my neck.
Once I was able to return home, the real healing began. I had no idea what my backside would look like after my rectum was removed. I wondered if I would look like the Coneheads from SNL (check out the shower scene at the gym with Dan Akroyd)...but to my surprise and complete delight, I looked very much the same, normal even. This helped my state of mind tremendously since I was already dealing with the alteration of the ileostomy to the front of my body.
You can research, read and have tons of knowledge of a medical procedure and still not be prepared for what it will be like to undergo the actual surgery. You cannot know how it will effect you mentally and emotionally either. I had no clue about what the reality of this would be until I woke up after surgery, in pain, with a plastic bag stuck to my abdomen. Or the emotional roller coaster I would be on when I saw myself for the first time in a full length mirror. Or the act of leaving the house for the first time and dealing with the anxiety of an accident with the ostomy bag. And getting used to emptying the bag, not making a huge mess or spending 30 minutes doing so. Or realizing the bag is full of air and protruding from your clothing like an alien from a sci-fi flick. And when after eating, strange noises begin to occur from your stoma as the contents of your stomach make their way into the bag... These were the things I could not find when researching these surgeries. I was a little overwhelmed by the realness of living with such an alteration to my body. There is a GIANT learning curve and I am still learning...
My purpose in writing this blog is so that someone else who is going through this may stumble upon it while researching their future ostomy procedure. I hope they will find some strength in the honesty of my struggle with this transition in my life.
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