Insecurity

The dictionary defines insecurity as lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt, hesitancy, indecision and uncertainty.

Yes, this describes how I feel right now.

I HATE IT!

I guess I'm still trying to figure out my new normal. I dealt with feeling sick for over 8 years and now that I'm 7 months post surgery; I can't seem to figure out what to do with myself.

In the past, I did what I had to do to keep my head above water; just pressed through illness and fatigue. I've got to find some kind of routine again and get back to really enjoying life.

We've been on various vacations through out the summer and it's been so lovely! A true escape from reality. However, vacation is over and it's time to get back to the nitty gritty. This is what is hanging over me. Finding the new routine.

Routine is HARD for me as I am easily distracted and not very self-disciplined. I wish I could blame ADD or ADHD or some other string of letters but I can't. It all falls on my shoulders and my tendency to become bored with monotonous chores.

So... I know the person I want to be and strive to be but I'm feeling overwhelmed by it; hence, the insecurity issues.

I thought I was doing good with my ostomy and accepting the way my body looks with a bag on the outside of it but, this seems to have flared up too. Really? Can I not just deal with one thing at a time here? Good grief. So why all of a sudden is this bothering me again? I can't answer that. I guess if I could, it wouldn't be an issue.

I've also gained back some of the weight I lost during my surgeries and this is feeding the insecurity monster with great gobs of protein! After years of not being to able to eat many foods, I seem to have made up for lost time. Being on vacation didn't help this either.

My exercising suffered a major blow when I experienced heat exhaustion in June. I am still dealing with this issue and it has made running outside and tennis next to impossible. Going to the gym seems to be dang hassle right now too. I've got to find a way to make the gym feasible again.

To top everything off, I came down with a summer cold. UGH.

Shannon and I went for a mile walk around the neighborhood earlier and it was nice but very hot. I now feel dizzy and my head hurts. I'm sure it's a combo of the heat and the summer cold.

I'm trying to get to the grocery store but all my oomph seems to be missing.

Well, now that I've had a pity party I'm going to grab some tylenol and a shower. Maybe this will ward off the yuckies and I can get something accomplished today.


Comments

  1. So sorry you are going through this. I say, just relax and take it easy. Surgery can take it's toll on you and even though it has been 7 months, your body may still be healing and adjusting. Like most of us with IBD, I say just take it one day at a time and don't worry about tomorrow. Listen to your body and don't overdue anything. Eventually, you will feel better. It just takes times. Take care and feel better.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for the words of encouragement. This ostomy thing has a HUGE learning curve! Be blessed ~monnie

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