Abundant Life--a journey

So, I keep reading all these blogs by friends and decided to make my own...for what it's worth, this is an account of my journey back to abundant life.

I've just turned 37 and for the first time in my life, this birthday has really bothered me. I've always said that age is a state of mind, never understood people who have dreaded birthdays. Though I haven't dreaded turning 37, it seems to have greatly affected me. I spent the day of my birthday at a Fitness Ranch down by San Antonio, Texas. I have laughingly called it "fat camp". I guess what I have realized recently is that at 34 I wasn't sure I would make it to 37. I never voiced this but it was in my mind and it created a huge road block complete with flashing lights and sirens. I have spent the last 3 years consumed with illness, pain killers and depression.

I was diagnosed at the age of 31 with Ulcerative Colitis (UC). A lovely bowel disease that attacks the colon and intestines with ulcers. It causes serious diarrhea, rectal bleeding and swelling of the bowel. In the 6 long years I’ve had this mess I’ve been hospitalized 4 times for a minimum of 5 days, massive doses of prednisone for several months, various pain pill prescriptions and several very specific treatments for UC. I’ve changed my diet, experimented with organic foods and supplements and leaned very heavily on my faith, family and friends in order to keep my sanity.

At 34 I was hospitalized 9 hours away from my family. It was horrible on so many levels. The first being the physical pain and issues my body was dealing with due to the UC. My entire digestive system had shut down. I couldn't eat, drink or go to the bathroom. The pain was something like having a jackhammer drilling in my abdomen. My husband rushed me to Scott & White Hospital in Temple, Texas where I was admitted for 8 very long days. I was bleeding internally due to the inflammation of my colon and intestines. To make a long story short, after several days of IV nutrition and bags of iron to help replenish my lost blood I began to turn the corner from critical to stable. The pain was hideous and nothing seemed to help. Morphine helped to take the edge off but that's about it. I underwent several tests including a colonoscopy, which I woke up in the middle of...not fun.

Through all of this I had an amazing support system in the hospital. My doctors, nurses and other hospital staff went above and beyond to make sure I had the best care and was as comfortable as you can be in the hospital. However, it was hard being away from my husband and 2 sons. Shannon, my hubby, would come down whenever possible but he was carrying the burden of being Mr. Mom and Working Dad while I was away. My parents helped out a lot since they live around the corner from us, without them, I'm not sure if Shannon would have made it through. Shannon's family is in Austin and about an hour's drive from the hospital. They were so kind and thoughtful, checking in on me constantly. His parents are the reason for my excellent care and without their connections at S&W I don't know what my life would be like now. After I was released I spent a week in their care. My doctors would only release me if I stayed near as I had to still be monitored closely. They took awesome care of me and allowed me to really rest and begin healing. For that I will always be grateful.

The hospital is a very lonely place to be and is even worse when you are in bad shape and not surrounded by family and friends. I am a strong person but this was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. My mind was just as sick as my body by then and I felt so defeated and lost. I was so doped up on pain meds that I couldn't think straight. I lost my ability to pray which has always kept me grounded. I knew my friends back home were covering me as was my family but I still felt so alone. Scared.

From this moment on I felt so unattached, ungrounded. Though I still believed and had unyielding faith in God, I struggled for the closeness I had once had. Another road block. One I couldn't see past for a long time. I never doubted His love for me or His ability to heal me; I just struggled with the energy it took to invest in a relationship. I also felt this lack of energy for any relationship, be it family or friends. I was just doing what I could to function on a daily basis. My body was weak but my spirit was even weaker. To get out of bed in the morning was the only thing I could accomplish somedays. A severe and almost debilitating depression had set in.

In November 2008, after another 6-day stint in the hospital in September, I started a new treatment. This is my last resort before having surgery. Surgery being the removal of the colon and any diseased intestine. This would not be an easy surgery by any means. It would mean traveling to a hospital in the Dallas area and setting up camp for quite some time. Having the initial surgery to remove the diseased tissues then wearing a colostomy bag for 6 weeks before having another surgery where the doctors would take part of the healthy intestine left to build a new “colon” and re-attach the new colon to the anus. Maybe that’s too much information but that’s what surgery would entail. Ever head the saying: “Minor surgery is on someone else but when it’s you, it’s major surgery.”

So this new treatment is an IV infusion I take every 6 weeks. I can describe it in one word: miracle! It has given me my life back. My only issue now is a nasty little side effect of UC; it will sometimes mimic the joint pain of rheumatoid arthritis. BONUS…but I can deal with it. After years of dealing with this awful disease I can finally see on the other side of it. I am feeling more and more like my old self.

Now, here I am today, 37 years old, wife and mother of 2. My husband is very active; in fact, it’s very hard to make him stay in one place very long. It’s one of my favorite things about him. Our boys are teens and they keep us very, very busy. I want to enjoy my family and do all things with them! They are what keep me focused on living life to the fullest. I lean heavily on them to make it through my dark days. My faith in God and Jesus Christ sustains my soul and gives me the willpower to move forward through the pain. My family is my inspiration and my motivation and God is my catalyst.

Through it all, the prednisone has packed 50 pounds on my 5’5” frame. By nature, I am a “voluptuous woman” as my hubby so sweetly puts it. In other words, I am curvy with hips and a bodacious booty. My thanks to Jennifer Lopez for bringing back a healthier figure and not the "heroine-chic" that is so popular with most models. Even though everyone tells me I carry the weight well; I am not comfortable with it. My clothes don’t fit right; I don’t like the image I see in the mirror. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am happy to be healthy again and until I started feeling good I didn’t let the weight bother me. God helped me to keep things in perspective and see through the weight gain, as did my husband. But now that I am to a point physically where I can change that—I am ready! I weigh what I did when I gave birth to my first son 15 years ago. Ladies, you understand when I say this is not good on the psyche!

It’s not been an easy road to this point. The weight definitely bothered me as it began to accumulate but I knew there would be a day where I could deal with it in a healthy manner. Some days I avoid mirror, change clothes ten times before I finally settle for a forgiving jogging suit. Other days I just grab a good book and crawl under my heated throw and sit in my recliner to avoid reality. I try to eat healthy for the sake of my gut but now and then a girl just needs her comfort foods. Loathing usually accompanies these days since I am not a super self-disciplined person. I am quite lazy by nature and have perfected procrastination. I have days that I stay in my pj's all day and avoid the outside world, but God is good and eventually pulls me out of my hole of self-pity and restores my hope.

Now I am embarking on my goal to live life to the fullest. I want this to apply to all areas of my life, not just the physical aspect. I want to be more disciplined in my daily routine of chores and caring for my family. I want to grow spiritually and have a deeper understanding of the Bible and Christ’s sacrifice for my life. I want to be attuned to the world around me and have less days of hiding from it. Which brings me back to my decision to spend 5 days at a fitness ranch starting on the first day of my 37th year. It was amazing and I have to admit, one of the hardest things I've done. It was so very rewarding and I have gained so much from the experience. As I continue to blog I will post more about my "fat camp" experience, but for now I must leave to pick up kids from school.