Dry and Dusty

I must be in a funk. I cannot, for anything, get motivated.
Part of me wonders, is it the dry and dusty landscape or am I dry and dusty inside?
It's true that we are in a terrible drought right now. No significant rainfall for months has left our big open spaces brown and tired looking. Aside from lawns that are watered there isn't any green. It's quite depressing to see. Farmers who don't irrigate can't grow, those who do have mangy looking crops. Yards that are watered still have dry and patchy spots. Where is the rain?
This is how I feel inside too, dry and patchy. Why isn't my sprinkler system working? I think I need a thunderstorm both physically and spiritually.
Spiritually speaking, I am in a self-induced drought. I haven't been dedicated to the Word. I've been lazy. No excuses, just lazy. Oh, I've read plenty of books, just nothing worth anything to my soul. Thanks to a friend of mine who texted me to see if I had read or knew of any good Bible studies lately, I realized what I've been missing. Now, I'm frustrated with myself. How could I be so lazy with my spiritual needs?
My lack of desire for God's Word had bled into other areas of my life and now I have a lack of desire for just about everything. I'm even being affected physically. I struggle with depression anyway, and when I don't feel good it's worse. I don't remember the last time I was passionate about something. Good Grief. Why did I let it get this bad? Talk about sitting in a valley, I think I fell into a crater!
I've been feeling this way for some time now. It's embarrassing to admit this. I know everyone struggles at times but it's still hard on the old ego to actually say it out loud. Not to mention, admit it's my own darn fault.
So, where to go from here?
I guess, first--find a Bible study! Get in the WORD!
Second--sit down and evaluate my priorities. It always comes down to this with me. Always. When will I learn to keep them straight? UGH.
Third--stay devoted and disciplined. In all ways, spiritually and physically.
Depression is a strange and powerful bedfellow. I know when I'm sliding into it and sometimes I can stop it and pull myself out, but not always. This time, depression snuck up on me like a thief in the dark of night.
I've been struggling with symptoms from the UC (ulcerative colitis) lately and this always casts a dark shadow over me. Not sure why the UC is acting up. On some level I've been in denial about it,  I think. Am I worried that the Remicade isn't as effective? Yep. Am I being wise with my diet? Nope. Have I kept to a regular exercise program? Sorta. These are all things that greatly affect my health and my mind. Time to get with the program and focus on the positive.
If you've ever suffered from depression, you know this is far easier said than done. Because I've struggled with this for many years, I've been able to recognize a pattern in myself. Thankfully, I have a husband who will shake me up a little bit if he senses I'm receding into my shell. Don't get me wrong, it's still very hard to see through the fog and think clearly enough to get out of it.
I take medication for it. One that is supposed to help with the physical symptoms of depression like body aches and fatigue. Now, I'm questioning if it's working right.
I would like to blame this on medication not doing it's job but honestly, something tells me this is spiritual. I have a hole that's not being filled and I know it's due to wandering in the dry wilderness spiritually. This is why finding a good Bile study is key. If I can get back on track here then maybe I will find relief in the other areas too. If not, I'll cross that bridge later.

Comments

  1. Have you read, "When the Heart Waits," by Sue Monk Kidd? Not exactly a Bible study and is only good if it hits you where you're at, but is a great woman's midlife-crisis-re-evaluating-with-God book, if applicable. Hoping for relief for you!

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