This is the SHI... Literally.

So I would be totally lying if I said I got this.

Today I hit a wall. I cratered. I cried.

Dr. Larry, the weekend on-call doc, came to see me this morning. Nothing but good news was delivered as he poked at my belly; he felt I could go home today but thought since I was Dr. Holloway's patient, he'd let him do the honors on Monday. After all, Holloway has been with me in this from early August and had more than one look at my insides. I guess we've kinda bonded in a surgical way...

When he left my room, I was overjoyed at the prospect of going home for about 3 minutes. This was the amount of time it took to text the hubby and parents of my upcoming release. 5 minutes later I was a shaking blob of tears and fear beneath the thin hospital sheet on my mechanical bed.

I wonder if Dr. Larry saw the look of bewilderment in my eyes at the mention of going home?

I tried to slow my tears and tell myself how absurd I was being. I mean, I REALLY, REALLY want to go home! But, the thought of going home with out round the clock nurses and a call button is a bit intimidating. My 12 days here were very needed. I felt secure and knew my family didn't have to carry the full load of my need for constant care. My nurses have been amazing, not a bad one yet--trust me--I've had them all as they rotated through the 4th floor.

I'm scared to do this bag thing on my own.

Before surgery, I was ready and a bit romantic about the whole idea.

Now... It's reality... No turning back.

I don't regret the decision to have my colon and large intestine removed. The chronic pain of the Ulcerative Colitis is gone. Completely. A whole new sensation for me after dealing with it for 7 years. I don't even regret choosing the ileostomy over the internal option of a j-pouch. The last thing I wanted were the complications that can come with j-pouches. I guess, I just wasn't quite prepared for the reality of this poop bag hanging from my tummy.

The Ostomy nurse assures me that I will get the hang of this in no time. All the nurses tell me to remember the products here are hospital friendly, the products I will use will be much more geared to making my life simple. More user friendly.

I laid in bed over the next 2 hours trying to nap, to read, to do anything but think about Monday. I was doing alright until Shannon came in. I lost it. No hi, just a gushing of tears.

I cried, blubbered and blew snotties while he held me. He's been my rock through this and God could not have given me a better man to go through all this shi... with.

He talked with me about my fears, acknowledging each and every one with complete understanding. I am not alone in this and sometimes I forget to let him go through things with me. I don't like being the weak one, don't want the constant fuss of being sick. I am strong, stubbornly strong. Completely, irrationally, hard headed sometimes.

I am not a crier so the fact that I am even admitting to crying is a huge thing for me. To let someone else see me cry, almost unheard of. Today I have cried more than I have in over... um, maybe a few years. This strange liquid leaking from eyes and the swelling in the back of my throat is beginning to wear on my nerves though. I must say I do feel better, lighter, even more relaxed.

So after getting it out of my system, I am still nervous about tomorrow but not terrified. I know I can do this. I know it will be hard for a while. I know I'm not alone either and that makes it OK.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
ISAIAH 43:2,3

This verse was in a card I received today from a sweet friend. The WHOLE card, everything written by the card company and the sender was from God's lips to my very sad soul. I think I've read it 20 times over the course of the day. Thank you Suzan!!

I know it's a bit unconventional to use a curse word like shi... in the same post as scripture. I think this is the least of the sins He forgives me for on a daily basis but I do hope I've not offended anyone. I'm just being brutally honest tonight.


Comments

  1. You got this GIRL! Praise God today is MONDAY and you will be in your own home and in your own bed tonight! No fears Monnie! Come on you live in a house with three boys?!?! You can do anything! I am so glad you are doing better. I have been thinking about you and praying for you. Love you - Tina

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  2. Monnie,

    Don't feel like you are the only one who has freaked out a little at the thought of going home. The first time it happened to me (when I had been in the hospital for over a month), I thought I was going crazy, as there was no place I would rather be than home. I think we become a little "instutionalized" and are comforted by the thought of having somebody there after the button is pushed. I know you are home now, and finally getting the much deserved rest you need.

    -Talese

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