Inspired
Sometimes when you step out of your comfort zone, the reward is far bigger than you can ever imagine. I went out on a limb this weekend and told a little bit of what I've gone through over the past year and how God was so faithful during that time to the women on this retreat. The idea was to help someone else who may be struggling with illness or depression. What happened was this: I was reminded of just how beautiful it is to be loved by God and how He was with me at every point during those dark days of illness and long hospital stays. And even now, He continues to be by my side faithfully.
I also realized that I've totally taken Him for granted as I've become healthier and healthier. Wow. (And not 'wow' in a good way.) It made me sick to my stomach that I could be so stinkin' shallow and self-centered. How quickly I'd forgotten all those desperate pleas to Him during those bleak years of illness. I am ashamed of this. I am beyond repentant.
The awesome thing about our God is that He is a God of forgiveness and love. Whew! He doesn't hold grudges not even a little! If I were Him, I'd be tempted to hold it over my head just a little to make sure I got the point. Yeah, I guess that's why I'm not Him...
I am beside myself with joy because I was given the chance to be reminded of His love and promises yet again. As I spoke to the group Saturday morning, it dawned on me--
1) I am standing up in front of 60+ people talking about how I no longer poop like everyone else!
2) I'm freakin' standing in front of 60+ people and not fainting!
3) What an opportunity to glorify Him!
A year ago, my fight was still on with Ulcerative Colitis. I still had another surgery and complications to overcome. I was far from where I am now. I was physically weak and mentally defeated. I thought the road to recovery would never end.
I am still a work in progress physically. I am still recovering my stamina and energy from this past year. In December it will be a full year since my last surgery. I feel like I've lived 10 lifetimes in the span of the last 10 months. Each day I find I am stronger and better and more able.
The battle of depression has become a little easier, ok-- a lot easier. Being healthy goes a long way to help the mind. I still have dark days now and then. When my mind is a battlefield, I try to find refuge in the Word of God. I try to recognize it for what it is--a bad day, nothing more. The sun will rise again and joy always comes in the morning. I do what I have to do to get through it until I can see the light again.
This weekend reminded me of the dreams and desires of my heart. One, in particular, that I have not allowed myself to think of in a long time. It seems so unattainable. A sweet, sweet 85 year old man who helped with the retreat reminded me of it ever so gently. He probably has no idea unless he picked up on the deer-in-the-headlights-jaw-dropped-to-the-floor stare I gave him after he so casually asked me if I'd ever considered doing this secret dream of mine. He did so over lunch one day and I think I inhaled my food at the speed of light and sprinted from the table back to my room in order to avoid the whole topic again. (What's wrong with me?!?) It scared the crap out of me! I guess I need to look into this a little more as I believe he was just the vessel being used to remind me of something I'd given up on long ago.
God just keeps making my box smaller and smaller so that I have to step out of it just to stretch my legs. It's really quite frustrating, I kinda like my box. I've got it decorated so cute...
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