The Beginning of Fighting Back

I'm tired of pain pills. I want to wake up and not feel my guts. I'd like to stand up from a chair and not double back over because my innards hurt.

Yesterday I thought I made some headway in this area. I only took 1 hydrocodone all day! This morning, different story. I just popped one with my coffee and (no judging) 2 homemade chocolate chip cookies a friend brought. Yes, I know cookies are not a suitable breakfast but back off, my birthday is tomorrow and I will eat what I want.

Birthdays. I will be 42 tomorrow and once upon a time that seemed ancient, not so much now. It was questionable if I would even turn 42 after the last few months of critical illness. This is the 3rd birthday that I wasn't sure I'd make in my career of chronic illness. Birthday 34 came after a 17 day visit to Scott and White for internal bleeding due to Ulcerative Colitis. The UC flared so bad that my intestines were extremely swollen with bleeding ulcers and shut down. I was just days away from other organs shutting down by the time I was checked in, my bladder had stopped releasing because of the pressure from my swollen intestines. 38 was another mile stone. At 37 I had 3 surgeries to remove my colon and rectum (all because of UC) and stopped breathing after the 3rd so that was fun. 38 was truly a blessing to see. Now I'm turning 42 with a new diagnosis of Crohn's Disease (which I'm still mad about).

I can't help but wonder what the future holds. I'm scared and yet determined to make the most of it. My earlier posts show just how much I'm struggling with this diagnosis and I still am but slowly, my mind is coming back to it's fighting stance. As the label "Crohn's" sinks in, I find I am more pissed off than depressed. I've got this disease so now I have a choice to let it make or break me. It's a daily battle, maybe even an hourly one.

Who knows what the future holds. I may have 40 more years or I may just have tomorrow. What I do know is that tomorrow isn't promised so we must make the most of everyday.


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