Pain rears it's ugly head again.
I lost this afternoon to a headache, more of a migraine, that set in after lunch. It has increased it's presence and now holds me by the nape of my neck with it's gnashing fangs. I feel the tension rolling down my spine and through my shoulder blades. So far, nothing over the counter has lessened it's hold.
I am reminded of a time not so long ago where I dealt with pain much worse than this on a daily basis. The incessant aching of every joint in my body. The inflammation of my organs on the inside of my body. The excruciating cramping followed by hours spent in the bathroom. Days lost and nights that stretched endlessly with loud and unrelenting pain.
It was beyond anything I've ever experienced.
Even childbirth does not compare, at least there was a tiny bundle of joy to focus on at the end. Rewarded for enduring pain.
No matter how much time goes by, I don't think I will ever forget the pain of Ulcerative Colitis. It is an ugly beast that threatened to take me under. During one particularly dark period, I posted about the color of pain. Here is an excerpt from that post:
My mind works in strange ways. When I am in pain I often find myself thinking about what color my pain is. Maybe it’s the wanna-be artist in me, or the wanna-be decorator, but I think of things in color before numbers.
In the hospital, you are constantly asked what your pain level is on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst. My pain chart starts off with yellow. A soft yellow is a dull ache, something tolerable, you might even take Tylenol but it’s not a must. As the yellow deepens and becomes darker, maybe with hints of orange -the pain is a little more noticeable. It won’t keep you from doing anything but you will be popping some kind of over the counter pain remedy. But then, if the orange hints begin to take over and the color is closer to that of red, well- that’s a different story. Red pain is much stronger, bolder and demands to be noticed. Sometimes you can even see the fire red pain in the area affected. Weather it be a true manifestation of color on the skin or the radiating heat from the swelling, it requires attention and most likely, a prescription. From red it begins to turn blue. Blue like the deep center of the ocean. A dark shadow of the encroaching pain. Blue is actually one of my favorite colors, but this blue is more felt than it is an artist tool. It has razor sharp slices that will make you catch your breath. It will make you stop what your doing and sit down. This blue pain is the edge of a slippery slope to the depths of white pain. White pain is pain in it’s purest form. There is no denying it’s force. Your body will not relax, your teeth will grind, and your entire posture will be tense. It holds you prisoner and reminds you of the time passing by. It is the darkest white you will ever see. At some point white pain darkens into the blackest of blacks. This is the pain that threatens to take you under and has you considering all of your options. This is dangerous. Your mind will begin to embrace the darkness if you are not careful. Black pain is unmanageable, period. No matter what is given to you for pain control, it has a mind of it’s own. It knows no bounds.
I am reminded of a time not so long ago where I dealt with pain much worse than this on a daily basis. The incessant aching of every joint in my body. The inflammation of my organs on the inside of my body. The excruciating cramping followed by hours spent in the bathroom. Days lost and nights that stretched endlessly with loud and unrelenting pain.
It was beyond anything I've ever experienced.
Even childbirth does not compare, at least there was a tiny bundle of joy to focus on at the end. Rewarded for enduring pain.
No matter how much time goes by, I don't think I will ever forget the pain of Ulcerative Colitis. It is an ugly beast that threatened to take me under. During one particularly dark period, I posted about the color of pain. Here is an excerpt from that post:
My mind works in strange ways. When I am in pain I often find myself thinking about what color my pain is. Maybe it’s the wanna-be artist in me, or the wanna-be decorator, but I think of things in color before numbers.
In the hospital, you are constantly asked what your pain level is on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst. My pain chart starts off with yellow. A soft yellow is a dull ache, something tolerable, you might even take Tylenol but it’s not a must. As the yellow deepens and becomes darker, maybe with hints of orange -the pain is a little more noticeable. It won’t keep you from doing anything but you will be popping some kind of over the counter pain remedy. But then, if the orange hints begin to take over and the color is closer to that of red, well- that’s a different story. Red pain is much stronger, bolder and demands to be noticed. Sometimes you can even see the fire red pain in the area affected. Weather it be a true manifestation of color on the skin or the radiating heat from the swelling, it requires attention and most likely, a prescription. From red it begins to turn blue. Blue like the deep center of the ocean. A dark shadow of the encroaching pain. Blue is actually one of my favorite colors, but this blue is more felt than it is an artist tool. It has razor sharp slices that will make you catch your breath. It will make you stop what your doing and sit down. This blue pain is the edge of a slippery slope to the depths of white pain. White pain is pain in it’s purest form. There is no denying it’s force. Your body will not relax, your teeth will grind, and your entire posture will be tense. It holds you prisoner and reminds you of the time passing by. It is the darkest white you will ever see. At some point white pain darkens into the blackest of blacks. This is the pain that threatens to take you under and has you considering all of your options. This is dangerous. Your mind will begin to embrace the darkness if you are not careful. Black pain is unmanageable, period. No matter what is given to you for pain control, it has a mind of it’s own. It knows no bounds.
When pain threatens to take over your life, you begin to entertain various methods to relieve it's powerful hold on you. Some of these thoughts are very dark and scary. Thoughts I would never have entertained, ever. Like a wrecking ball set on mass destruction, pain will warp the mind and bend it to it's breaking point. I understand why people turn to drinking, drugs and even death. At the time, these thoughts seem rational.
My mother is a recovering alcoholic. She began drinking when I was a young teen due to the pain she suffered from Multiple Sclerosis. When I began experiencing the pain of UC, I thought of her. I understand now. As damaging as it was for our family, I can understand why it happened. Thankfully, she is sober and has been for over 25 years. My eagerness to hold onto the resentment of that time period in my life is gone. It's true, you cannot judge until you walk a mile in someone's shoes. I do not condone her dependance on alcohol, I merely understand how she slid into the deep dark well. Thus, I was careful not to follow suit.
Looking back over the past 8 years, I'm not quite sure how I made it through. I leaned heavily on my Lord and Savior but still desired a more instant solution to my pain. And even though dark thoughts would cross my mind, I held to the hope that one day, there would be an end to the pain.
That end came in the form of an ileostomy. A headache may slow me down for a day but tomorrow the sun will rise again and joy comes in the morning. I look forward to the setting of the sun tonight.
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