A List of Sorts
This girl has a list a mile long of goals to accomplish. Some are silly, some are a little weird and a few are very lofty, but they are still list worthy.
I haven't made a list of goals in a very long, long time. At least not seriously. Making a list seemed pointless and often ended in disappointment when I couldn't get out of bed for days on end. A list was like an anvil hanging over my head, waiting to catch me unaware.
I have yet to put this lengthy list on paper. Seeing it only in my mind right now is enough. Somehow, having it written in black and white, tangible to others is a bit intimidating. For now, it is enough to tick through it in my mind's eye.
I think I'm worried that I will jinx this new found disease-free life I am leading. It seems too good to be true. Too many years spent in agonizing pain has left it's mark on my psyche. I am constantly reminding myself that sore muscles from exercise is NOT the same as disease inflicted pain. Some days are easier than others.
I am having a mental battle currently. Fall time usually brought flares of Ulcerative Colitis before the ileostomy. In fact, it was fall when my last and final flare sent me to the surgeon last year. September will mark the 1 year anniversary of my new best ostomy friend. A decision I will never, ever regret. Ever. With that being said, my mental battle has me anticipating a flare or somehow, a return of this stupid, stupid disease. UC is not an option since the ileostomy, however in rare cases, some have been diagnosed with Chron's after removal of the colon. This is what resides forefront.
So, here I am, I'm fighting a stupid battle of fear. A fear of what lies around the next corner; a mindset I developed during the worst years of UC. Evidently, a stronghold I am having a hard time breaking. Yes, writing this out helps me realize it is that--a fear--nothing more.
I have a check up next week with my GI doc. This seems to have a two-fold effect: 1) YAY! I really am cured of UC! YAY!! 2) Hmmm, looks like there are some things going on we need to take a look into... Yep, it's the latter that has me ruffled with no reason to back it. The battle rages. The war to keep hope and health alive.
My current strategy: running. A way out of my whirlpool of disease threatened thoughts. A plan to bring my mind under control; to realign the train back on the track. The act of putting one foot in front of the other from point A to point B. A blocking of the negative. The muscle soreness from running has to override the mental breakdown of doubt. It has to. It's a deterrent of sorts. A way out of my own mind.
I find this quote a reminder to keep my lofty list of goals alive. To press on, to keep that part of my heart from being crushed. I am wonderfully made by a Creator who desires the best for me; why would I slap Him in the face with my doubts and fears?
Maybe, I will put my list to paper... in a beautiful font worthy of framing... to keep Hope alive and fear at bay.
I haven't made a list of goals in a very long, long time. At least not seriously. Making a list seemed pointless and often ended in disappointment when I couldn't get out of bed for days on end. A list was like an anvil hanging over my head, waiting to catch me unaware.
I have yet to put this lengthy list on paper. Seeing it only in my mind right now is enough. Somehow, having it written in black and white, tangible to others is a bit intimidating. For now, it is enough to tick through it in my mind's eye.
I think I'm worried that I will jinx this new found disease-free life I am leading. It seems too good to be true. Too many years spent in agonizing pain has left it's mark on my psyche. I am constantly reminding myself that sore muscles from exercise is NOT the same as disease inflicted pain. Some days are easier than others.
I am having a mental battle currently. Fall time usually brought flares of Ulcerative Colitis before the ileostomy. In fact, it was fall when my last and final flare sent me to the surgeon last year. September will mark the 1 year anniversary of my new best ostomy friend. A decision I will never, ever regret. Ever. With that being said, my mental battle has me anticipating a flare or somehow, a return of this stupid, stupid disease. UC is not an option since the ileostomy, however in rare cases, some have been diagnosed with Chron's after removal of the colon. This is what resides forefront.
So, here I am, I'm fighting a stupid battle of fear. A fear of what lies around the next corner; a mindset I developed during the worst years of UC. Evidently, a stronghold I am having a hard time breaking. Yes, writing this out helps me realize it is that--a fear--nothing more.
I have a check up next week with my GI doc. This seems to have a two-fold effect: 1) YAY! I really am cured of UC! YAY!! 2) Hmmm, looks like there are some things going on we need to take a look into... Yep, it's the latter that has me ruffled with no reason to back it. The battle rages. The war to keep hope and health alive.
I find this quote a reminder to keep my lofty list of goals alive. To press on, to keep that part of my heart from being crushed. I am wonderfully made by a Creator who desires the best for me; why would I slap Him in the face with my doubts and fears?
Maybe, I will put my list to paper... in a beautiful font worthy of framing... to keep Hope alive and fear at bay.
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