What Are You Waiting For?

All of my life I've tended to be a procrastinator. I have this weird lazy-perfectionist syndrome that has often kept me from moving forward out of fear of failure. When I was diagnosed in 2004 with Ulcerative Colitis, I was forced to change that part of me. I no longer had the energy to put things off until the last minute. I found it actually takes more out of you to procrastinate, so I began to do things differently.

First and foremost, I chose what was most important and stopped over committing myself and my time. The hubs kept telling me I needed to protect myself and I finally understood what he meant by that. I needed to prioritize what I spent my energy on because it was very, very limited.

Secondly, I began to look for ways to accomplish these priorities efficiently. I fell in love with my crock pot allowing for healthy homemade dinners on nights I was too tired to stand in the kitchen cooking (did I mention I hate cooking?). I budgeted better in order to have my housekeeper come once a week instead of twice a month (oh, and cleaning ranks up there with cooking).  I also started delegating more to the boys since they were getting older. They could help with household chores leaving me with more energy for the things I needed to do as a parent and wife. Plus, they need to know how to do laundry and load a dishwasher! My future daughter in laws will thank me...

On days that were pain filled or kept me tied to the bathroom, I just accepted those. No, this is not an attitude of defeat--it's being real. No matter what I did, there were times where nothing was accomplished. This was the hardest part: the feeling of letting my family down because I couldn't be the wife and mother they needed and I wanted to be. They were very gracious and supportive, but I still felt guilty that they were getting the short end of the stick. Somehow, accepting that I was going to have bad days encouraged me to make the most out of the good. It's how I found the strength to keep moving forward and not allow this stupid UC to consume me, body and soul.

Until the last flare. In the fall of 2011, my world came to a complete stop and my family began the crazy roller coaster ride of hospitalizations and surgeries I pray we never encounter again. It was time for the diseased colon and intestine to depart from my body, forever. I had the colon and entire large intestine removed in September 2011 and then the colorectal (removal of the rectum) in December of the same year. From August 2011 (first signs of final flare) to March 2012 (finally recovered from surgeries enough to function somewhat), our lives were in survival mode. Literally, survival mode. Due to complications during the surgeries, we had a very, very long and tough road to travel. Whatever needed to be done to live, that was it, all we could do. The basics. Period.

Fast forward to today, September 13, 2012. The hubs is preparing for hunting season--his favorite time of the year. He didn't get to enjoy it last year with all the craziness we went through. The boys are enjoying high school as a senior and a sophomore, staying busy with school activities and friends instead of trips to the hospital or rushing home to help mom. My parents are back to enjoying their retirement filled with hobbies and travel versus playing parental roles to the boys while I was fighting for my life and Shannon was trying to earn a living as well as single parent.

Yes, a lot has changed in the course of one year. I am healthy and getting back to acting as Mom and CEO of the household not to mention, running and exercising daily. I accomplish a lot more now than I have in many years. We are back to functioning like a real family again. Eating at home more than out, laundry and errands are getting done on a timely basis too.

Mama is back and bringing her A game.

The boys are happy for the return of normalcy yet frustrated because they got used to sliding by in a lot of areas. Not anymore, bwahahahahaha (my evil witch laugh). The hubs is beside himself with joy because he is now only playing the part of Father Knows Best as opposed to Mr. Mom. (He did a really great job assuming my role for the last year though.)

With all that we've been through since 2004, the importance of moving forward regardless of failure or setbacks has become priority number one. I still struggle with fear of failure but the fear of loosing a day to procrastination is scarier. Life is short people. I've already lost enough days to sickness to waste any on some stupid fear of not doing something right the first time.

"What are you waiting for?" has become my new kick in the butt saying. When I find myself stuck or paralyzed by fear, I do the whole Cher/Moostruck slap in the face scene to myself : "Snap out of it!" Seriously, what am I waiting for? The stars to align in perfect order? Someone to validate my thinking? A sign that can't be denied? All are cop-outs to keep from doing something hard or scary. I'm done with that. From now on, I live in the moment, making the best of said moment!

Speaking of which, I need to go run even though it's cold and rainy. I NEED to do it because it's good to keep moving, especially forward.


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